Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just for kicks I'd hire Two Private investigators just to have them follow each other around.

   .... When I was a kid I always wanted to become a Dr. and change my last name to Acula ...

   Dear Weekend, I swear the weekdays mean nothing to me. You're the one I want to be with.

   2 cows are standing in a field. One cow turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about getting this mad cow disease that's rotting our brains?" The other cow replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."

   Hillary Clinton says she tries not to miss Reruns of 'Grey's Anatomy.' Bill said, 'I watched it once. Not enough anatomy.'"

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles.

   Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

   I feel like Donald Trump had his wisdom teeth taken out, but the anesthesia never wore off.

   There are successful cliff divers.... and there's stuff on a rock.

   Sorry I'm late for work but now that McDonald's serves breakfast all day I don't really have much of an incentive to wake up before 10 am

   A stripper quit her job. She was tired of the same old thong and dance.

   3 AM Phone Call: Hey are you asleep? – No, I was in coma thank you for rescuing me!!!

   Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.

   My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues, perhaps it's time to install that security alarm.

   Always listen to your imaginary friend when they say you need a therapist.

   I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

   Here let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs, Kim Kardashian.

   Expect nothing and you’ll never be dissapointed!!! Yeah I am talking about you, Bernie Sanders supporters.

   If Dr. Ben Carson wrote down every single thought he ever had he would get an award for the shortest story ever.

   Look at you your in perfect shape……………for a circle.