Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering... 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"

   A baby was born laughing really hard with its fists closed! The confused doctor unfolded its tiny fingers and found a birth control pill.

   I decided I'd like to get to know you all a lot better. Let's start with banking information. ;)

   I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated not to do anything...

   A man's best chance of winning any argument with a woman is if he confines it entirely in his own mind.

   Friends don't tag friends in hideous Facebook pictures.

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   Why would you try to avoid risks in life? To make it safely to death?

   Apparently Diet Pepsi has come out with a new "skinny" can...does that mean regular Pepsi will be coming out with a new "fat-ass" can?

   Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "HOLY $HIT... WHAT A RIDE!"

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.