Funny Status Messages

   I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.

   A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   The Law & Order dun dun is what men hear when we're asked if we remember what today is.

   Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?

   "Scots love me and I love those haggis smelling weirdos who wear those little girlie skirts!" -Trump, eventually, during his Scotland trip.

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.

   Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.

   Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)

   .... After watching the so called "Sit-In" on the House Floor at the Capitol ... I now realize why they need to have those "Warning: Do not Enter" and "Please don't throw children at the animals" ... signs at the Dangerous Animal exhibits at the zoo.

   Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.

   You can catch a lot of flies with honey but you can catch a lot of honey's if you're fly.

   Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

   I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness.

   When I start to forget things in old age, I hope it’s the Kardashians and Hot Tub Time Machine 2, not my address or where to pee.

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.