Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Detroit". So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that reads "I hope that helps".

   Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures.

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”

   "That'll do pig.. That'll do",,, is apparently not the reply to give when the wife asks how an outfit looks on her

   If Mark Hamill doesn't enter the room and shout "It's Hamill Time!",, In this next movie,, I'm gonna be dissapionted

   And yes,,, My marriage is mainly apologizing for saying something hilarious

   I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

   Reasons Why Guys Stop Texting Girls: 1) He's Busy. 2) You didn't send nudes. 3) He has beer and football. 4) It's only been a day, calm down psycho.

   Can we just move on from Netflix and chill? What happened to picking up girls on their front porch with flowers for an actual date?!?!

   John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?

   If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

   Sometimes I step outside to look up at the stars and think to myself....damn I love peeing outside!!!

   Moving in with a woman is pretty much saying, "The sex is good enough to risk everything I own to be set on fire."

   Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember someone in your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.

   I could never work at a lighthouse. There is a 100% chance I'd get fired for making the Bat signal.

   Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I'm gonna get the Government involved so you can't leave....

   Interesting Fact: The belt is actually the first "original" ADHD medicine.