Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!

   Hold your horses is my favourite thing to say to people who don't even have horses.

   "your mother" is my response whenever someone talks to me in a language I dont understand.

   If I had a militia we wouldn't occupy a federal building, we would occupy a Krispy Kreme.

   Just added "CLINGY" to my dating resume.

   Some guy called my girlfriend "ma'am" so now everybody's night is ruined.

   Confession: I ate all my hurricane snacks during the first two hours of the storm and I'm probably not the guy you want on your apocalypse team....

   Say NO! to drugs. Say YES! to drugs. It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.

   It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.

   Love to use the Ouija board to pester my dead girlfriends.

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return and just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.

   If you don't vaccinate your kids they'll grow up to be Vegan CrossFitters with a gluten allergy.

   To make room for the McDonald's expansion in their stores all Walmarts are removing the 15 registers that are never open.

   Trump In 1776: Women love me because they'll be hung by a rope in the town square if they declare otherwise.

   Sat through half of 'Pitch Perfect' with my wife and daughter before realizing it wasn't a movie about baseball.

   My puppy is afraid of shirts, ice cream trucks, blankets that vaguely take human shape, and boxes, but has no problem with fireworks.

   What winter jacket brand is best if I'll be spending the months of July and August in the Corporate Office Building?

   Not saying that I have commitment issues, but my favorite part of Forrest Gump is when he just keeps running.

   Please remember if their online dating profile photo is iffy that's the best one out of all the photos ever taken of them.