Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ....... On behalf of Planet Earth ........ "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!"

   Just a muggle girl living in a muggle world...

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

   Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

   The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.

   Cats get all the single chicks.

   Judge a coworker not by the color of his skin but by the content, volume, and length of his ring tone.

   There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.

   Call me old fashioned, but leaving a 6 minute drunk voice mail at 3 am is romantic.

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Whoever said "nothing good ever happens at 2 am" clearly never went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and found out the guy also sells weed.

   You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.

   Once told a girl we should take a "sea otter break" so we can sea otter people. Now she's dating a guy that can actually write a decent pun.