Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally took my first selfie, and I think I heard Siri throw up a little in her mouth.

   If the White House really wants to close Guantanamo Bay, why not just appoint Donald Trump its new CEO?

   Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?

   I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   It's like Canada is the concerned child watching her aging mother (Britain) and weirdo big brother (United States) descend into chaos in 2016, unsure who to worry over first.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is too short. But shout it to them in Russian, because life is also extremely terrifying and very confusing.

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool today at the YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in!

   Absolutely despicable thats gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.

   Cargo pants for babies?!?! You know, it's a place to put all the important stuff that babies carry with them.

   Oprah: You've returned after 2000 years. What's your message for humanity? Jesus: I just want everyone to know I never wore those sandals.

   So bored at work I can't even think of something to goggle

   I'll do anything for my fans here except produce quality work.

   Anytime someone scrolls all the way to your first Facebook photo, you should get a notification. Or it should go straight to the police.

   Facebook didn't tell me it's your birthday is an awesome 21st century excuse.

   By the time I get all these condoms unwrapped I had absolutely no interest in making balloon animals.

   More Americans trust Fox News than the President on climate change according to a recent survey done by Fox News.

   Fan theory suggest Finding Dory takes place in the same universe as Finding Nemo.

   Googling to find out what you just voted for....should be the last resort.

   Brexit has inspired my wife to demand a sexit.