Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America and Britain are having a competition on who can f*ck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   So apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them..

   During the summer months I always Wear my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out.

   Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.

   .... Wonder what would happen if Hillary Clinton was forced to wear a shock collar that went off every time she lied?

   Hey England: Every Brexit You Take. I Will Always Love EU. Un Brexit my heart. With Or Without EU. Straight outta Currency. Britain on the Dock of Decay. Since UK Been Gone.

   A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!

   Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."

   Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

   They should totally turn that Game of Thrones show into a book.

   Brexit, is a British expression. Translated into American, Brexit means "Money exiting my 401k."

   Trying to convince myself peanut M&M's and red wine is an acceptable snack because together, they have the same ingredients as trail-mix.

   Iceland knocked out Britain out of Euro 2016 soccer. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Brexit last Thursday.

   Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.

   Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh, Meh... -People flipping the channels at 4 am in the morning

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   Visit Britain because it's finally sorta affordable.

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.