Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That surprising moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.

   When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...

   Does anyone else need to pee when Elsa sings "Let it Go"?

   I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

   Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.

   I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...

   Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

   Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

   .... I'm always amazed at how drinking 2 beers translates into 5 gallons of piss ....

   Obama's mic drop at the Correspondents' Dinner last night was awesome, but I was disappointed to hear he was at work this morning. Someone should tell him he's doing it wrong.

   From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.

   Was Berry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure makes Stevie Wonder!!!

   If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."

   I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight and I'm ok with that. After all, 7 lbs 4 oz is just not realistic.

   What comes after the man bun hairstyle? The he-hive!

   My friend David had his ID stolen the other day, now we just call him Dav.