Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heterosexual Pride Day: It's great to see heterosexual people no longer have to live in fear because of who they're attracted to.

   I'm pretty opinionated for a guy who walks around the house talking to his dog in a Hillary Clinton voice.

   'm pretty opinionated for a guy who walks around the house talking to his dog in a Bernie Sanders voice.

   Trump will predict your weight. But if he gets it wrong you win a stuffed animal. No, one of the small ones the big ones are for show.

   This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.

   I would like to officially nominate Cersei Lannister to be the one to finally separate Church and State .... Once and For All!!!

   .... Looks like the United States is finally going to get it's chance to become a Marxist Socialist State thanx to the Liberals that run the country. I for one would like to welcome our new task masters ... Guess freedom really wasn't free ...

   I wish I'd say "Yes" to an aisle seat. Now I'm at the window, drunk and in charge of the emergency door. In case of emergency, climb over me.

   Congress' 2016 To-Do List: 1) Talk about Benghazi. 2) Write reports on Benghazi. 3) Talk more about Benghazi. 4) Take vacation. 5) Repeat.

   Love going on brewery tours. It's fun watching drunk people pretend to understand science.

   S&P lowers Britain from AAA to AA. Unless Britain is a disposable battery, this is bad news.

   Visit Britain because it's more fun to end your sentences with "innit?" than "y'know?"

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   The way things are going, the only corporate sponsor of the Republican convention will be Trump Steaks.

   .... Hey nosy people .... Please leave me alone and worry about your own freakin sins .... cuz when the time comes .... you sure as hell won't be asked about mine!!!

   Enjoy sitting on my left hand until it goes numb to pretend that someone else is seductively stirring my morning coffee.

   Little shampoos. Sure they make you feel like a giant but you're not, you're not a giant. Also they make bad travel souvenirs too.

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   A recently unemployed friend signed up for Cobra and all they gave him was health insurance, not a snake?!?!

   Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to hold a referendum with the same people who came up with "Boaty McBoatface."