Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well this isn't good,,, I took a nude selfie... And my phone autocorrect replaced it with an image of a silverback mountain gorilla pulling a peanut from its scrotum.

   I'm Still not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"

   That moment when you fart really loud then suddenly remember there is someone else in the elevator with you.

   Dammit, I told you I'd be ready in FIVE minutes so stop calling me every half hour .... Sheeeeesh!

   .... Told the wife that next long weekend I'm gonna actually get off the couch and take those Christmas lights down. Unless I see a spider then the whole things off.

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, and what do you do with a phone without service? You play Games!

   So I was at a bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?" I said "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy….

   To be honest, I'm just not that into you, Monday.

   Like my wise old Granny always said, 'You want breakfast in bed, you best be sleeping in the kitchen."

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   "Deeper," I moaned as the Chipotle guy scooped my sour cream.

   The worst one-liner was probably the Titanic.

   Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.

   All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider.

   I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently its wrong to yell "SHOTGUN" before boarding a plane.

   Payday isn't until next week so if you need me I'll be over here eating a bowl of ramen noodles boiled in tears.