Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Trump: As a guy who owns a bunch of casinos, maybe you're not the right person to tell us how certain things are "rigged."

   People should be indicted for putting raisins and walnuts in coleslaw.

   Sorry Jupiter, unless Matt Damon gets stranded on you, nobody actually cares about your planet.

   So we wear the hazmat suit while watching the Rio Olympics correct?!?!

   Apple pushing organ donor registration for iPhone users. How?!?! Siri asks over and over, "You know you only really need ONE kidney."

   The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Roger Ailes' Response to Gretchen Carlson's Allegations: "Dat ass doe!"

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   Let me sum up the next few months: 1) Trump says and/or does something stupid. 2) Taylor Swift breaks up. 3) Enjoy your summer!

   Got fired from my job because apparently having your secretary bring you a martini while using the bathroom is frowned upon.

   Wonder why the lawyer I hired to defend me during my public lewdness trial didn't invoke the "extemely careless" defense.

   Just ate some oatmeal and cantaloupe for breakfast incase anyone needs a walking buddy at the mall this afternoon.

   Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!

   i hear "this generation never puts down their phones" a lot and i'm pretty sure it's because most of them are filming a cop shoot somebody

   Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

   it just me, or do all the Trumps grin like Cheshire Cats because of their oversized veneers?

   I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.