Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.

   Things I Joke About: 1) TV Shows/Movies. 2) Stuff I see on the internet. 3) 'That's what she said'. 4) Serious matters that should never be joked about and part of the reason I'm going to hell.

   The female Praying Mantis devours the male immediately after mating ...... While a Human female prefers to spread it out over an entire lifetime.

   I think my neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm not very good at gardening.

   ..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.

   I still think Richard Gere overpaid for Julia Roberts.

   I want to be so rich I can build my own water park. Filled with vodka.

   Would love to know what gross pizza joint the Ninja Turtles ordered from that they never questioned delivery to a sewer.

   The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.

   5 Word Eulogy: He loved texting and driving.

   It's Official: Both Hillary and Donald are now more unpopular than wearing Crocs with socks.

   Somedays I have the most intense on and off relationship with my pants.

   If I comment on a Facebook post I immediately hit "Turn Off Notifications" because why the hell wouldn't you?

   Happy endings run rampant in Disney Princess prostitution ring.

   Pro Tip: Taking photos inside a Victoria's Secret to make your own catalog is frowned upon by their management.

   There are no skeletons in the closet. However, there is a tiny box of souls in the underwear drawer.

   If we can't put aside our differences in an interracial porn section what hope do we have for the real world?

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   If anyone called me a tough cookie I would be so insulted because tough cookies are the absolute worse.