Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

   My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.

   Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares?!?!

   Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.

   A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment: 3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon, 57 minutes of crying after it pops.

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.

   TSA moving operations to outside of airport. That must explain the full cavity search I received in my airport hotel room.

   Nancy Grace decided to leave CNN to spend more time annoying the crap out of her family.

   Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?

   I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.

   Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.

   People who go on to open a second Facebook account because you've reached your maximum number of friends, get a life!

   "If you think Golden Corral is fine steakhouse dining, you just might be a redneck."

   Hmmm ...Tuesday Bill Clinton has secret meeting on private jet with Attorney General Loretta Lynch, On Thursday The Attorney General has ALL Clinton Foundation emails sealed until 2018. Coincidence? or is it time to wake up to the corrupting of America!!

   Hillary Clinton has been on more private jets than Donald Trump ..... and hasn't paid for a single one of them ...

   You shoot down a Russian plane at your own peril Turkey. 1 Russian Pilot = 42 Dead Turks.

   The three men who carried out Tuesday’s deadly attack on Istanbul’s Ataturk airport were all from parts of the former USSR, Turkish sources say.

   ... DAMMIT ..... Stop the WORLD .... I wanna GET OFF!!!