Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

   "Here kitty, kitty, kitty" - Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   In high school, I was voted 'Who is that? Does she even go to our school? Never saw her before'

   I refuse to accept your labels like "immature" & "irresponsible" & "don't drink while taking this medication".

   The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

   The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

   Blind man walks into a bar.... And a table, and a chair.

   The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the women's ass.

   Why are women like KFC? After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

   I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

   The difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball is a guy will actually search for a golf ball.

   Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.

   If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are....you have small boobs.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, What happened to you?

   Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

   I just got a Congratulations message from facebook today, they said my block list has now exceeded my friends list...I wonder what I win lol

   ..... I used to think that somebody needed to give Obama a pink slip immediately ... Then I totally realized .... He already wears one!

   At my age,,, I'm not sure I'm up for learning a new microwave.

   DOCTOR: Your leg is broken... ME: So what happens now?.. Doc: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally... HORSE: [sticks head round curtain]... WHAT?!!

   [At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?