Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We didn't have presidential candidates like this back when people could smoke at their desks.

   President #42 was proven to be a Liar when he lied under Oath. President #45 who just happens to be the wife ofPresident #42 ..... Will be entering office as a Known and proven Liar Apparently people don't consider lying as a character flaw anymore.

   I just ordered all new cookware made from Hillary Clinton stem cells.....NOTHING sticks to it.....

   Delete Hillary

   Would these Hillary supporters just drop dead already?

   Lebron went home, Wade went home..what y'all Cubans waiting on?

   When blakcs stop shooting each other by the thousands, I'll start worrying about the cops shooting two.

   Sometimes I'm happy, then mad, then hungry and then chatty. So yes, I get it women. Great, now I'm crying.

   Hey Trump: As a guy who owns a bunch of casinos, maybe you're not the right person to tell us how certain things are "rigged."

   People should be indicted for putting raisins and walnuts in coleslaw.

   Sorry Jupiter, unless Matt Damon gets stranded on you, nobody actually cares about your planet.

   So we wear the hazmat suit while watching the Rio Olympics correct?!?!

   Apple pushing organ donor registration for iPhone users. How?!?! Siri asks over and over, "You know you only really need ONE kidney."

   The Kardashians have screwed more celebrities than a camera with no filter.

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Roger Ailes' Response to Gretchen Carlson's Allegations: "Dat ass doe!"

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   Let me sum up the next few months: 1) Trump says and/or does something stupid. 2) Taylor Swift breaks up. 3) Enjoy your summer!

   Got fired from my job because apparently having your secretary bring you a martini while using the bathroom is frowned upon.