Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"...is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

   Can you believe that my neighbor knocked at my door at 2AM?!?! Luckily, I was up playing my drums.

   If I got $1 every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly way too seriously.

   5 out of 6 scientists say Russian Roulette is safe.

   My girlfriend peed her pants and asked me if she was still beautiful. I told her, "urinate out of ten."

   Tell a woman she's beautiful, she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat and she'll remember it forever because elephants never forget.

   So my drug dealer got me these new shoes. And I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

   What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

   Accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles last night. My next poop could spell trouble.

   Alabama changed the drinking age to 34. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

   Just a friendly reminder: Jesus is always watching you.

   So does this mean Jay-Z has 100 problems now?

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   Here in America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

   The 1 thing Liberals & Conservatives should agree on: The media is a mess. Get back to who's right not who's first.

   The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

   Studies show that human being experience feelings of joy when pushing the 'Skip Ad' button.

   Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.