Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nature in the country: watching a deer drink from a stream. Nature in the city: watching a rat and a pigeon fight over a condom.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career.

   I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name.

   Bernie vs Trump way better than Hillary vs Trump. Help people see that without insulting them tho lol

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Giant douche or turd sandwich? ....the choice is yours.

   I typed my symptoms into Web MD this afternoon, Turns out I'm Gary Busey .

   Happy May the 5th is what we will be saying once Trump is elected

   You are not designed for everyone to like you. You're not pizza.

   I'll punch you and take your taco.

   What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive beaver?

   Nipples...Mother Nature's thermometer.

   I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.

   90 per cent of my job as a lawyer is being asked to help a friend of a friend's cousin get out of parking tickets.

   Forget a Klondike Bar. Ask me what I'd do for a Xanax bar.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, do I still need a logging permit?

   I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.