Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tips To Gain My Friendship: 1) Have a cat. 2) Show me photos of your cat. 3) Invite me over to pet your cat. 4) Be a cat. 5) Cat.

   ... Former UN President John Ashe “accidentally” crushed his own throat and died coincidentally a week before he was scheduled to testify against Bill and Hillary Clinton. HA ... More like Accidentally on purpose if you ask me!!!

   ..... Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears

   The FDA has announced that eating raw cookie dough is really bad for your health. So is telling my girlfriend not to eat raw cookie dough.

   United States: High Fructose Corn Syrup.

   I owe my kids $4,983 in back allowances.

   I'll acknowledge Canada Day whey they finally acknowledge that's not bacon.

   LeBron James opted out of his contract but he re-signed for another 8 years of attention whoring.

   Just created a Tinder page for my dog and he's already got more right swipes than me.

   Rachel Dolezal celebrated Canada Day by announcing she's a Canadian.

   Just realized the definition of the word "word" is made up of many words and now I have a headache.

   Favorite all-time Disney snuff film is "Frying Dory."

   America: Diet coke, large pizzas.

   If you don't lose a finger or two this weekend can you really even call yourself an American.

   If anyone goes to a house without a dog or WiFi, should you wonder how many people are buried in their yard?

   The day a black NFL player gets shot by a cop, ruining Paul Ryan's fantasy football team, will be the day the GOP addresses police brutality.

   GOP Convention Speakers: 1) Donald Trump's kids. 2) Donald Trump's wife. 3) Donald Trump's grandma. 4) Donald Trump's barber.

   If Trump and Hillary are stranded on a boat in the middle of the ocean, who survives? America. America survives.

   It's called "Independence Day" not "Dependence Day" for a reason

   if you own a body shop and it's not called "Auto Correct", then what's the point?