Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1249 of 6383
Next time you need to fart in public, say "Do I smell popcorn" then watch everyone take a deep breath
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05-06-2016 11:04 by Kman68
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Drinking decaf coffee is like watching porn with no hands
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05-06-2016 11:02 by Kman68
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Coffee! If you're not shaking, you need another cup.
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05-06-2016 11:01 by Kman68
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Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can
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05-06-2016 10:58 by Kman68
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Ran my first 10K this morning. Just kidding, I'm on my third donut
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05-06-2016 10:56 by Kman68
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Two things: 1) Where have you been all my life? 2) Can you please go back there?
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05-06-2016 10:54 by Kman68
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Yawning is just a silent scream for coffee
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05-06-2016 10:53 by Kman68
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Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he's breaking up with his girlfriend.
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05-06-2016 06:01
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults.
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05-06-2016 05:57
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Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
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05-06-2016 05:37
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I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.
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05-06-2016 05:36
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Do not drink and drive...because there are people out there who text and drive and they will hit you and it will be your fault!!!
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05-06-2016 05:35
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I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World holding a fishing rod.
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05-06-2016 05:33
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Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
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05-06-2016 05:31
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Ladies, if you want a guy to look at your face instead of your chest, eat a banana.
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05-06-2016 05:30
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Don't tell my pillow I said this, but, I don't think he'll ever fulfill his dreams of becoming a hairstylist.
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05-06-2016 05:28
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Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.
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05-06-2016 05:26
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When playing dodgeball, remember the golden rule: Hide behind the fat kid...
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05-06-2016 05:25
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Fun Prank Idea: Put Kool-Aid in your friend's shower head. Then, when he or she gets in the shower, set their house on fire.
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05-06-2016 05:23
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1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have 'lady problems' then start crying. It works even better for guys.
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05-06-2016 05:22
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