Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

   The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.

   Cats get all the single chicks.

   Judge a coworker not by the color of his skin but by the content, volume, and length of his ring tone.

   There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.

   Call me old fashioned, but leaving a 6 minute drunk voice mail at 3 am is romantic.

   If you need me I'll be at Home Depot telling all the men what they're doing wrong.

   Whoever said "nothing good ever happens at 2 am" clearly never went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and found out the guy also sells weed.

   You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.

   Once told a girl we should take a "sea otter break" so we can sea otter people. Now she's dating a guy that can actually write a decent pun.

   just Who is Donald Trump's campaign manager now anyway???

   Sorry Britain ..... The United States won the "Exit Race" by leaving European control way back on July 4, 1776. However ... let's all celebrate our Independence this Independence Day!

   72 Virgins ? I'd be happy with just one right now :)