Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be the reason that HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the office

   In my next Life I am coming back with money and looks instead of this sparkling personality crap ....

   Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.

   Seeing your ex is huge is like passing your final exam : You leave in a hurry and you're ecstatic it's over.

   My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

   When I was a kid I thought Independence Day & July 4th was about fireworks & having fun. T'wasn't until I answered the call and fought for her that it was really about Duty - Honor Love of Country but most of all the Love of Freedom...GOD BLESS AMERICA!

   .... Yup ... First Rule of "Church Club" is ...... Save ALL of your yawning until everyone is singing so it looks like you're doing your part.

   ....... On behalf of Planet Earth ........ "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!"

   Just a muggle girl living in a muggle world...

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.

   Don't use alcohol to solve my problems but when I'm drunk I'm an expert at solving yours.

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

   The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I'm doing.

   I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.

   Cats get all the single chicks.