Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......

   I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

   The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea who’s child it is.

   Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

   PUBLIC ANNOUNCMENT: There are no Pokemon in my home. If you burst through my door looking for one you will be greeted by a 17 year old cat and my 12-Gauge shotgun. Thank you for your cooperation.

   Please leave these cops alone. Killing humans is addictive af, especially when you are protected by the law.

   You have 20 pics of only your face, you must be so fat

   If only there were some way to be outraged by BOTH the brutal murders of brave cops AND the brutal murders of innocent citizens

   I am neither analytically or emotionally intelligent enough to process the last 3 days so I'm just going to stand in a dark room and frown.

   If we had a black president none of this kind of stuff would be happening.

   All Lives including Blue Lives Matter

   Back in my day we had Presidential Candidates that acually believed in the Constitution. Nowadays they can't even spell the freakin' word.

   Well .... Apparently a few Community Organizers got a bit out of hand in Dallas .....

   America is no longer a nation that believes in the "Rule of Law" ..... We have now descended into a nation of "Mob Justice" .... God help us all ...

   Just found out all of the Nuclear Launch Codes are now available on itunes ..... Thanx Hillary!

   Apparently splicing teflon into the genetic genome of humans really works!!! Just ask Hillary!

   We didn't have presidential candidates like this back when people could smoke at their desks.

   President #42 was proven to be a Liar when he lied under Oath. President #45 who just happens to be the wife ofPresident #42 ..... Will be entering office as a Known and proven Liar Apparently people don't consider lying as a character flaw anymore.

   I just ordered all new cookware made from Hillary Clinton stem cells.....NOTHING sticks to it.....

   Delete Hillary