Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

   July 4th: The celebration of liberating slave owning populations from their higher masters with dragons, oh wait that's Game of Thrones.

   Only at the fair can you pay $500 for a $12 stuffed animal.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.

   This November I'm voting for the candidate who will bring back the original Four Loko recipe that killed those college kids.

   The more money you spend on a trip the less likely your kids will have a complete meltdown.

   Trying to eat healthy, too lazy to make a smoothie, so just ate the ingredients one by one. Probably shouldn't have washed it down with whiskey.

   If you travel to Mexico Donald Trump will require you to help pay for the wall.

   Enjoy your last Independence Day before it's renamed Trump Day.

   .... Happy 240th Birthday America.

   Be the reason that HR has to send out a memo every 4th of July reminding everyone that fireworks are not allowed in the office

   In my next Life I am coming back with money and looks instead of this sparkling personality crap ....

   Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.

   Seeing your ex is huge is like passing your final exam : You leave in a hurry and you're ecstatic it's over.

   My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.

   When I was a kid I thought Independence Day & July 4th was about fireworks & having fun. T'wasn't until I answered the call and fought for her that it was really about Duty - Honor Love of Country but most of all the Love of Freedom...GOD BLESS AMERICA!

   .... Yup ... First Rule of "Church Club" is ...... Save ALL of your yawning until everyone is singing so it looks like you're doing your part.

   ....... On behalf of Planet Earth ........ "HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!"

   Just a muggle girl living in a muggle world...

   Once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.