Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1248 of 6383
Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there 20 minutes late.
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05-08-2016 06:30
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When my college daughter sees me again after two months, I worry that her pent-up eyeroll will knock a hole in the space/time continuum.
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05-08-2016 06:28
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I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.
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05-08-2016 06:25
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
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05-08-2016 06:22
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At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.
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05-08-2016 06:20
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When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.
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05-08-2016 06:18
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Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.
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05-08-2016 06:17
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I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'
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05-07-2016 19:44
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I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.
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05-07-2016 15:47 by Fazzella
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I look both ways before crossing a one way street now, that's how little faith I have left in humanity during this presidential election year.
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05-07-2016 15:24
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When exactly do young chicks become old hens? Just asking for my wife and her clucking friends.
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05-07-2016 12:31 by Fazzella
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I'm going to the Aquarium, do some fishing. . .
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05-06-2016 16:54 by JAB
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Question ... Which Democrat candidate has given up any of their earnings in the name of income inequality? Answer .... Neither .... They are both hypocrites!!!
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05-06-2016 14:27
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.... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!
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05-06-2016 14:23
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.... I'm puzzled .... How did America go from being a nation that figured out how to put a man on the moon ... To one that is confused about which bathroom to use?
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05-06-2016 14:21
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Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.
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05-06-2016 14:21
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Looking forward to a nice English summer. Blue skies, warm and sunny. Should be a nice couple of days....
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05-06-2016 13:44
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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05-06-2016 12:18
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Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
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05-06-2016 12:16
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To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.
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05-06-2016 11:52 by Fazzella
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