Funny Status Messages

   Wendy's pay terminals hacked!!! First my wife finds out I was on Ashley Madison, now she'll know I bought my dates baked potatoes.

   Going to Walmart makes me appreciate the little things like pants that fit, deodorant, and dental insurance.

   Donald Trump promises to defend article 12 of the Constitution after confusing for bankruptcy chapters.

   Q.What do you call a dog with 2 inch legs and metal b@lls. A. Sparky

   Hmmm, we didn't have all this craziness when people were allowed to smoke anywhere.......

   What's the one phrase a blind person never wants to read? "Do not touch!"

   Black Lies Scatter!

   Black Jives Shatter

   I really don't think it's right to support hate, violence and murder just because it suits your agenda.

   The FBI keeps insisting that the greatest threat to America is "Right Wing Extremist Groups." In the mean time people & cops are being murdered across the nation by anything other than that. Beginning to think the biggest threat is those FBI warnings.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   It’s bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   Judging by my news feed this week, people are outraged by the amount of recent killings AND trespassing on personal property from Pokémon GO players. Stop the madness, people!

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......

   I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

   The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea who’s child it is.

   Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

   PUBLIC ANNOUNCMENT: There are no Pokemon in my home. If you burst through my door looking for one you will be greeted by a 17 year old cat and my 12-Gauge shotgun. Thank you for your cooperation.

   Please leave these cops alone. Killing humans is addictive af, especially when you are protected by the law.