Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

   Sorry I sexted you with Air Supply lyrics.

   He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses.

   Damned phone... I keep typing that "I need to get laid" and it keeps autocorrecting to "I need to get lard" and now people are sending me cans of Crisco. :(

   Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

   To those with crappy moms, Happy ignoring your crappp mom day. It makes her miserable.

   Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day

   All Mom's gave birth to a child, except mine she gave birth to a legend!!! **High fives my Mom on Mother's Day**

   It's time for America to stop coddling idiots and ignorant people. Trump for President is the logical conclusion of the cuts in education that Republicans have been pushing for decades.

   sure Trump may not be the best looking President, but we will have the hottest first lady ever

   Good thing my mom's not on Facebook otherwise you would have to read some sappy Happy Mother's Day post from me.

   Who are these strange creatures and why are they calling me 'Mom?'

   I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

   There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.

   Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.

   Sometimes I put a “for sale” sign in my neighbor’s yard and pray the power of suggestion works.

   TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.

   My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support. Happy Mother's Day!!!

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have little or no coverage.