Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine arriving in Heaven and finding out guacamole is still extra.

   "On a scale of 9 to 10, how delicious are Trump's steaks?" -The one and only question asked to potential VP candidates by Trump's vetting team.

   Roger Ailes' Response to Gretchen Carlson's Allegations: "Dat ass doe!"

   Summer Checklist: Pay extra for coffee with ice in it.

   Let me sum up the next few months: 1) Trump says and/or does something stupid. 2) Taylor Swift breaks up. 3) Enjoy your summer!

   Got fired from my job because apparently having your secretary bring you a martini while using the bathroom is frowned upon.

   Wonder why the lawyer I hired to defend me during my public lewdness trial didn't invoke the "extemely careless" defense.

   Just ate some oatmeal and cantaloupe for breakfast incase anyone needs a walking buddy at the mall this afternoon.

   Could you imagine if Hillary Clinton mentioned Benghazi in her deleted emails? Republicans heads would explode!!!

   i hear "this generation never puts down their phones" a lot and i'm pretty sure it's because most of them are filming a cop shoot somebody

   Do you ever feel like you're in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?

   it just me, or do all the Trumps grin like Cheshire Cats because of their oversized veneers?

   I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   Hmmmm .... A University of Pennsylvania/Stanford University study states that Only 9 -15% of people incarcerated in US prisons are Republican ..... Why do I have a feeling some folks are going to be a demand some sort of affirmative action for Prisons

   What's up with all of those Bernie and Hillary for President bumper stickers on the cars at Walmart?

   Had to get rid of my memory foam mattress. It threatened to start talking....

   Just went through the self checkout at Walmart and was named "Employee of the Month"......

   I don't wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

   There was kidnapping at our local school today. The teacher woke him up and told him not to do it again.