Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished....

   It's always a great day when you wake up on the right side of the grass

   No matter what you call Budweiser, it's still crappy beer....

   .... HA! ..... Ya ..... It's all fun and games till you realize it isn't a video game ..... It is real life ......

   In the Golden Age of America .... Everybody knew which restroom to use.

   If Trump becomes President ..... There will be Hell Toupee

   It was revealed today that Obama will spend a half Billion bucks on his Presidential Historical Library. Question: If he has sequestered virtually every document from his past...SO...Why even build a historical Library about your life in the first place?

   It's an absolute proven FACT that Criminals commit a lot less crime .... After they've been shot!

   Why are people always kicking things to the curb? If you really wanna get rid of something kick it to the middle of the street.

   There are no warrants out for my arrest so we could go basically anywhere on a date.

   Why do you look surprised in all your selfies? Didn't you know you were taking the picture?

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   Have my doubts about this "smart water," considering how easily it's captured and bottled.

   I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

   Any sandwich is a panini if you sit on it.

   I just want the self confidence of a cat.

   A poll finds Donald J. Trump is less likable as the often criticized Canadian rock band Nickelback and even less favourable than a root canal.

   Honey .... Does this big belly make me look fat?

   There's this one really stupid cop that's been following me around flashing his lights ..... Doesn't the idiot notice all of the other people on this road driving the wrong way!!!! ...... Sheeeeesh

   .... I'm so old that I actually remember a time when people used to know which restroom to use!! Ahhhhh .... Those were the days ....