Funny Status Messages

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   CarefreeBlackKids2k16 offers both heated arguments with friends and figuring out how the dog filter works on Snapchat. Great way to unite America!

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

   Your credit history may be a determining factor when applying for a loan or to be a future Trump supporter.

   First Child: Top-of-the-line diaper bag filled with everything he'll need until college.

   Second Child: Used diaper bag filled with enough basic essentials for the day.

   Third Child: Plastic grocery bag filled with one diaper, a half eaten cracker, and a flask.

   Among those in attendance at Lin-Manuel Miranda's final "Hamilton" performance were U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Spike Lee and Mariska Hargitay. Too bad Alexander Hamilton missed the last performance.

   There's a secret apartment at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Oui, Oui, this is where I plan to meet a French prostitute the next time I visit Paris.

   The FBI recommends no charges be filed against Hillary Clinton. My next question is, when will Donald Trump be indicted and for what?

   Our kids will never know the terror of calling a crush and having a parent answer the phone.

   I am crying finding out that the world's greatest neurosurgeons finally meet, Dr. Drake Ramoray and Dr. Derek Shepard. What?!?! They are supposed to be dead.

   Where's B.lack Lives M@tter when 6 kids in Chicago get shot by other Black kids? Deserves an honest answer ... right?

   Bet you've never been at a party the cops have shown up to where Raffi's Bananaphone was the jam playing.

   What does Elizabeth Warren and Rachel Dolezal have in common? Neither one of them knows they're white. . .

   Certain lives matter ... But only when they are k.illed by cops .... But not so much when they are k.illed by each other ....

   ..... LOVE comes Naturally ........ HATE .... is learned .....

   .... Ya ....... When my lady says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have barely just enough time to fly to the Moon, write a poem about the Moon while I'm there before we actually go.

   The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time.

   Woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand, Whose wine, What wine? Where the H3LL did I dine? .... Awe who cares ... it was free!