Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.

   Making car payments is the lease of my worries.

   Led Zeppelin's "In My Time Of Dying" is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

   And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

   Mirror mirror on the wall, why do all most selfies people take look dopey?

   My family's recipe for lasagna has been handed down for generations: 1) Collect the freshest ingredients. 2) Find a woman cook it. 3) Eat....

   Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

   Thanks to all the different kinds of craft beers my severe alcoholism just seems like a cool neat hobby.

   Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...

   Sometimes I wonder if my cat ever thinks about finding her biological siblings.

   My wife takes my paycheck & gives me an allowance. She should run for public office.

   Monica Lewinski will not be voting for Hillary. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

   .... Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then .... They are shocked and offended when they discover that there are actually other views.

   ... NOT LONG AGO GM WAS BUILDING CARS IN FLINT MICHIGAN AND YOU COULDN'T DRINK THE WATER IN MEXICO AFTER YEARS OF HELP FROM OBAMA AND THE US GOVERNMENT GM NOW BUILDS CARS IN MEXICO AND YOU CAN'T DRINK THE WATER IN FLINT ... BOOM!

   .... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... THAT offends ME and MY COUNTRY!!

   .... Of course Gamer Boy living in my basement .... you're not going to find the perfect Gamer Girl ..... Cuz she's sitting at home playing games just like you ....

   If had more than zero payday loans, you're doing it wrong...

   ?The next time someone asks me what I'm doing, I'm gonna reply "I'm breathing 2 stay alive how about you"?

   Memorial Day Weekend is coming up and Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Smart Car owners have the added bonus of "my dog ate my car' as an excuse for being late to work.