Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

   Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

   I decided not to vote for President this year because if I am gonna waste my gas then it better be something important like driving to Chick-Fil-A.

   Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

   Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

   Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal.

   I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.

   I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

   Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

   Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

   In the dog world, humans are elves that routinely live to be 500+ years old.

   A doggy day care but for humans.

   I'm convinced that I'm the only person in the universe who detests rotisserie chicken. Wet and greasy. Like my high school girlfriend.

   I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

   I'll see your passive aggressive Facebook status and I'll raise you... one finger.

   n't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

   I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

   "I wasn't that drunk!".... "Dude, you were asking my cat about the weather!"

   Women should not have children after 35 . . . Well what I really mean is . . . 35 children are enough!

   Aren't drug dealers just street pharmacists and prostitutes just public wives?