Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe you don't have swagger, maybe it's an inner ear infection.

   90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.

   Siri is turning into my mom and asking random questions like, "Do you need something? Can I help you? Are you going out wearing that?"

   House of Representatives 2016: Shooting off guns -- do nothing. Shooting off emails -- hold thorough televised investigative hearings.

   Iron Man is now a black teenage girl?!?! Here's hoping she makes suits for her friends and family to protect them from the police.

   No thanks, DailyDish. I don't want to see what the cast of Petticoat Junction looks like now. I'm guessing skeletons.

   If your name is Hollywood there is a 100% guarantee your star power is 0.

   Asks for a large coffee and this guy says, "1 Grande." Dude, this is an annexed Starbucks in the grocery store....get over yourself.

   The fact that Soundgarden and Natalie Portman never combined talents and formed a mega band called Black Hole Swan makes me feel blue.

   Sources say Gretchen Carlson wasn't the first Roger Ailes victim. Let's not forget anyone ever forced to watch Fox News.

   Drunk Books: Where The Wild Things Are Dancing On Tables.

   Redneck Children Stories: The Lion, The Witch, and the Civil War Re-enactors.

   Hillary should be indicted. Trump will do something where he should be indicted. We're screwed. Eat Oreos.

   The "Map My Run" Facebook posts are a great way to track how far you went to brag about exercise or show your exercise running from the police.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   If you visualize something you can make it happen. I'm visualizing taking a nap.

   Wendy's pay terminals hacked!!! First my wife finds out I was on Ashley Madison, now she'll know I bought my dates baked potatoes.

   Going to Walmart makes me appreciate the little things like pants that fit, deodorant, and dental insurance.

   Donald Trump promises to defend article 12 of the Constitution after confusing for bankruptcy chapters.

   Q.What do you call a dog with 2 inch legs and metal b@lls. A. Sparky