Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somedays I have the most intense on and off relationship with my pants.

   If I comment on a Facebook post I immediately hit "Turn Off Notifications" because why the hell wouldn't you?

   Happy endings run rampant in Disney Princess prostitution ring.

   Pro Tip: Taking photos inside a Victoria's Secret to make your own catalog is frowned upon by their management.

   There are no skeletons in the closet. However, there is a tiny box of souls in the underwear drawer.

   If we can't put aside our differences in an interracial porn section what hope do we have for the real world?

   Starbucks is going to raise their prices by 10%. Doesn't affect me because if I'm paying over three bucks for a drink, it's always gonna be beer.

   If anyone called me a tough cookie I would be so insulted because tough cookies are the absolute worse.

   Just want to hang out with my friends, regardless of race, and make fun of idiots....regardless of race.

   Remember when people had to entertain themselves on the toilet with a rotary phone.

   Just heard that both the FBI and DHS have both dedicated 80% of their assets to investigate the Terror group responsible for Donald Trumps Hair!

   My dog thinks that I like walking her again. My fit bit thinks I'm setting new goals. I'm really looking for pokemon."

   I huff and puff and take your welfare away....,,

   Voting for Hillary because you don't like Trump, is like eating a dog turd because you don't like broccoli....

   Been sitting in front of the TV with my hotdogs trying to roast them and after 45 minutes they're still cold. This fire place channel sucks!.

   Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.

   Reading the box for my microwave dinner and the instructions said "take top off...." I was thinking, 'why would I have to take my top off.'

   I've gotten so good at deciphering acronyms that I listed is as a qualification on my resume'

   I’ve been reading a book called ‘1,000 sexual positions’. I’ve reached position 176 and apparently from now on I’m going to need a woman.

   The FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times. Just an FYI to you killary supporters that think she's so great.