Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting stoned to death doesn't sound like that bad of a way to go.

   Nothing good ever goes down behind beaded curtains.

   I started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles.

   Fact: When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

   It's weird how certain expressions go out of style. Like it's been a while since I've heard someone say "hey, you look great".

   I bet Jesus hates it that his birthday and Christmas are on the same day.

   Oh no, I'm at that level of airplane drunk where I just almost stood up to go and smoke a cigarette.

   Fact: Hell is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.

   Whenever an action movie hero is like "I know someone who can help us, guy owes me a favor" it means he let that guy suck his weenie.

   My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.

   I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

   Bernie Sanders looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers....

   You can tell kids you're friends with Donald Trump, they don't know.

   If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.

   Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that.

   Amazon Prime will deliver food right to my door? GTFO. I may never have to see people again!

   Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

   it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.

   Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!

   I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine....