Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   "I can't go. I have to stay home and stare at my wife." - All my married friends

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

   It"s ok to pretend you're Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You pretend you're good on Christmas, don't you?

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see, "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Today marks the anniversary of the death of The Notorious BIG. Dinner tonight will consist of t-bone steak, cheese, eggs and Welch's grape.

   The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   i walked past my mother-in-law's house today that was on fire. I spotted her screaming from the top window, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!" ...So I did! ...as my new screensaver.

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...