Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Bernie supporters, Trump will get you a better job while Hillary will only raise your taxes.

   My wife just put the kids to bed, now it's time to play Pokemom....

   She blinded me with science... well, Sulfuric Acid to be more precise.

   I thought there'd be more sex during my sexual prime.

   I'm trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

   Local Japanese-American cultural center begins charging $28 admission when Rare Holographic Mewtwo found in WWII exhibit...

   I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn't work here.

   If HRC is elected as President, they will rename "Air Force One" to "Broomstick One."

   My friend asked me if I'd ever be ready to go to a nudist colony. "Mate... I was born ready".

   Anyone know what happens when you mix up your recipes with your receipts? No? Well I'm not going into too much detail but I just ate my f@ck!ng work boots. . .

   .... Bernie endorsed Hillary! #FeelTheTurn

   Problem with voting for Trump is that you don't know what you're going to get. Problem with Hillary is that you do.

   When Attorney General Loretta Lynch was testifying in court about her secret meeting with Hillary's husband, I was struck by the irony of the fact that she was appointed Attorney General to arrest people like Loretta Lynch.

   Pokemon Lives Matter

   I thought that Pokemon Go was a facebook app that encourages Jamaicans to use the Poke feature.

   Coworker: I have an announcement to make. We are expecting twins. Me: Congrats on having 2 kids with the same father!

   Pokemon Go - Showing how easy it is to get sheep to follow.

   Kat Denning's b00bs are the life preservers which save 2 Broke Girls.

   You know you had a long 14hr night at work, when driving home you have to swerve to miss a tree,. Then realize it's an air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

   Hillary sucks