Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life lesson: If you run out of Vicks vapor rub, never place IcyHot in your nose in place of it or it will make you scream in pain. #thingsthatmakeyouscreaminpain

   I thought a President you were suppose to FIX the problems facing the country ..... Not Make them WORSE!

   H R Clinton Deleted/Destroyed over 33,000 Emails AFTER being ordered to surrender her Private Server & ALL contents to Authorities. Because she deleted the emails Clinton is disqualified from holding public office under U.S. Code Title 18, Section 2071

   Woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Sadly, that song was "I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas".

   Being sick & running out of tissues makes me think about all those times I was all willy-nilly with my tissues like some millionaire.

   ...... It's Dark vs Light .... Not Black vs White .......

   'Black Lives Matter' is taking off while 'Just stop breaking the law yo' gets no support

   So now it's offensive to say All Lives Matter? I thought you wanted equality?

   Meanwhile In Canada: "We are receiving requests from everywhere," Stephane Dion, Foreign Affairs Minister, on the search for a peacekeeping mission for Canada.

   Black Lives Matter doesn't mean other lives don't. Like people who say "Save The Rainforests" aren't saying "F*ck all other types of forests".

   Did you know, Hillary Clinton killed Kurt Cobain because grunge was making pantsuits obsolute.

   We are paying you to work, not chase fictional video game characters with your cell phone all day. Save it for your break time or lunch. Otherwise you'll have plenty of time unemployed to "catch them all".

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.

   Things I Joke About: 1) TV Shows/Movies. 2) Stuff I see on the internet. 3) 'That's what she said'. 4) Serious matters that should never be joked about and part of the reason I'm going to hell.

   The female Praying Mantis devours the male immediately after mating ...... While a Human female prefers to spread it out over an entire lifetime.

   I think my neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm not very good at gardening.

   ..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.

   I still think Richard Gere overpaid for Julia Roberts.

   I want to be so rich I can build my own water park. Filled with vodka.