Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Try to fathom the hypocrisy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured... but not prove they are a citizen.”

   Had Chinese Food last night & my fortune cookie read, "Be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity"; so I left the restaurant without paying.

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup.

   Banana peel, coffee grounds, pizza crust, beer bottles, empty tins, paper plates, sales papers. Don't mind me I'm just talking trash.

   "The Army is releasing Osama bin Laden documents including his final words, 'Who in the hell is knocking on my door at this hour?'

   "I just read about a new 24-hour day care that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute, instead of playing telephone, the kids just play tech support.

   Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line.

   I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Larry Smith in Silver Spring, Maryland. ''There are multiple listings for Larry Smith, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake."''

   My buddy sent me half a bottle of his Viagra Pills... not for me, but for my car.... every time I fill my car up with gas, I put one in and it makes my gas gauge stay up longer.

   Ever notice most of the Graduates of the University of Phoenix go on to do great things, like commercials for the University of Phoenix.

   I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you.

   Somewhere along the line, this country's slogan went from "Make America Great Again

   Keep your cats close and your other cats closer

   Under People you might know, Facebook has decided to put a bottle of vodka. Well Played FB, well played.

   Mom don't worry, we were in rehab together.

   Breaking: Trump announces his VP pick will be former publicist John Miller.

   If I worked at Starbucks, I'd ask for your name then write it on the cup with quotation marks like I don't believe you.

   I'm 'when Hanson came out I thought the drummer was a hot girl' years old.

   Give the gift of life. Become an organ donor. Hot singles in your area will appreciate it.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.