Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a bottle pops in the club and no one posts an Instagram video of it does it make a sound?

   Just want to be rich enough to sort by price from high to low.

   "That guy in the salmon colored shorts is getting laid tonight." -Said no woman ever

   We didn't have child safety seats when I was young. My Dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

   "Only my life matters." -Donald Trump

   Nothing says come at me like high waisted jorts and sensible sneakers.

   It's bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well.

   Why I Hate Talking: I was trapped in a conversation about the pros & cons of sea salt vs land salt.

   Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I don't feel like I'd be able to stab a zombie during the apocalypse.

   Sure I don't trust CNN or Fox News but this new website I never heard of with your radical views, I'll believe your legitimacy.

   Still trying to figure out how they can all afford to buy guns and bullets while on Food Stamps.

   ...... POKEMON GO!!!!!!! No Seriously ....... POKEMON GO!!! The world does not need any more Pokemon!

   Lady, I hope this doesn't surprise you but I am pretty sure your boobs go inside your shirt.

   Well if we really are what we eat ... apparently I am fast cheap and easy.

   OK, You're telling me you're not a slut ..... So ... Does that mean you are some kind of volunteer prostitute or something?

   If Republicans didn't insist on upholding their "Proud Tradition of Failure to do their JOB" ... Perhaps this country wouldn't be in such a sad state of affairs. They were elected to do one thing then proceeded to do another ..... SHEESH

   Yes it is true that women give us solace, But if it were not for women we would never need solace.

   Tip for Pokemon Go players. I just left a Squirtle and a Blastoise in the mall bathroom.

   Nintendo has gotten more kids off the couch in 2 days than Michelle Obama has in 8 years.

   I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.