Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't be bothered to download Pokemon GO. So I just threw a basketball at my next door neighbor's rabbit.

   "Sorry, that last text was intended for my wife" is one text I never want to have to send... again.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   A belated congrats to the Sham Wow people for having the balls to sell a product on TV with the word "sham" in the name.

   A great trick to play is after a long and intimate texts with your girlfriend, end with "Who is this?"

   Bill Cosby replaces defense team. The original one is unsure why; they inexplicably fell asleep & when they woke he was gone.

   Theresa May replaced David Cameron as UK's new Prime Minister. Finally someone with balls will run the country.

   Lies Told A Lot: "I didn't know anything." -Joe Paterno

   Next Food Trend: Looking up from your smart phones while you eat.

   there a Pokemon Stop? I'll get that one.

   Trying to decide between Best Pumbling Service and Superior Plumbing Service. Which do you think is better?

   Hillary made a deal with Bernie to get his endorsement. Translation: Hillary bought Bernie a suit from his favorite clothing store -- Sears.

   Found On Sale At Walmart: Hillary's Wall Street speeches, only $249,999.99 each.

   Donald Trump is having Tim Tebow speak at the Republican National Convention. I'm confused. I thought he didn't like losers.

   Half the world is in a race war and the other half is running around catching Pokemon with their phones, and I'm just sitting here on my couch waiting for football season.

   The world is falling apart, yet there are m0r0ns chasing Pokemon characters all around town. Where's the comet already.

   Talk about negative calorie foods, I expended more energy trying to open my string cheese than I derived from eating it.

   so apparently being " A Kid At Heart" does not apply when it comes to Pokemon go. Pshh...Please. I'm a grown A** Man. now where did I leave my Xbox contoller

   Sir, That is not a Pokemon in the car behind you with those flashing lights ... It's a cop so pull over.

   Pokemon is the Japanese word for Revenge.