Funny Status Messages

   Bernie said from the start of his campaign he would endorse Hillary if she won the primary, his supporters flip out and disown him when he shows integrity and keeps his promise.

   It's national nude day, grand marnier day, hot dog day and tape measure day. Time to get drunk and measure them wieners.

   Him: Ok, who ate the rest of my cake??? Me: Instead of accusing me of eating your leftover cake, ask yourself why you had any left to begin with, Quitter!

   I bet if Bon Jovi could turn back time he wouldn't do those gawd awful DirecTV commercials.

   Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.

   If you're complaining about kids playing a game outside while sitting on your a$$ judging people on the internet, you probably need to re-evaluate your priorities.

   I thought I was in a bad mood but its been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.

   Just like a bunch of brown NBA players to blame the cops when a brutha breaks the law...

   I can't be bothered to download Pokemon GO. So I just threw a basketball at my next door neighbor's rabbit.

   "Sorry, that last text was intended for my wife" is one text I never want to have to send... again.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   A belated congrats to the Sham Wow people for having the balls to sell a product on TV with the word "sham" in the name.

   A great trick to play is after a long and intimate texts with your girlfriend, end with "Who is this?"

   Bill Cosby replaces defense team. The original one is unsure why; they inexplicably fell asleep & when they woke he was gone.

   Theresa May replaced David Cameron as UK's new Prime Minister. Finally someone with balls will run the country.

   Lies Told A Lot: "I didn't know anything." -Joe Paterno

   Next Food Trend: Looking up from your smart phones while you eat.

   there a Pokemon Stop? I'll get that one.

   Trying to decide between Best Pumbling Service and Superior Plumbing Service. Which do you think is better?

   Hillary made a deal with Bernie to get his endorsement. Translation: Hillary bought Bernie a suit from his favorite clothing store -- Sears.