Funny Status Messages

   Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out.

   Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

   Question: Is sexual healing covered by Obamacare?

   The Rick Springfield Paradox: If you get Jessie's Girl, she is no longer Jessie's Girl, and you have obtained nothing.

   Somebody please introduce these Anonymous Hacktivists to PokemonGo, might get them out of the house for a bit.

   Why dont they serve hotdogs at a gay picnic. because they taste like shiiit

   "It's so nice to see you finally working together," I tell my kids as they overthrow me.

   Forget a wall, we should just put caution tape around the borders of America.

   Just when you think the world’s gone crazy you find out Mick Jagger knocked up his 29-year-old girlfriend and everything makes sense again.

   Aladdin is my favorite story about how anything is possible if you find a magical genie that grants wishes.

   You're part of the problem if you post a click bait article on Facebook and don't give the ending forcing me to have to click it.

   I'm self-employed and I can't believe my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

   Always wonder how many drug users have heated heroin in the spoon I'm about to use to eat my cereal, in this motel room.

   Picture a gang of criminals scanning an area for Pokemon before deciding to dump a body.

   I went to to gym today. Next week I'm going to get out of my car....

   Does anyone else think "Master of Fine Arts" sounds sarcastic?

   Donald Trump formally announces Mike Pence as is VP pick. No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier running mate.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie endorses Hillary Clinton.

   Darwin would praise Pokemon Go for weeding out the weak links.

   Hoping people are not gonna play Pokemon Go during the Summer Olympics games in Rio... looking for Zikaachu..