Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Excuse me lady in the checkout line in front of me purchasing both a box of condoms and a pregnancy test... How's your day going?

   My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

   It took civilization thousands of years to get us off the farm, and Facebook just one year to send people back.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   I think this shameless self-promotion on Facebook has gotten out of control. BTW: I am awesome.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Don't trade what you want most for what you want now.

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.