Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody please introduce these Anonymous Hacktivists to PokemonGo, might get them out of the house for a bit.

   Why dont they serve hotdogs at a gay picnic. because they taste like shiiit

   "It's so nice to see you finally working together," I tell my kids as they overthrow me.

   Forget a wall, we should just put caution tape around the borders of America.

   Just when you think the world’s gone crazy you find out Mick Jagger knocked up his 29-year-old girlfriend and everything makes sense again.

   Aladdin is my favorite story about how anything is possible if you find a magical genie that grants wishes.

   You're part of the problem if you post a click bait article on Facebook and don't give the ending forcing me to have to click it.

   I'm self-employed and I can't believe my boss touches me inappropriately so often.

   Always wonder how many drug users have heated heroin in the spoon I'm about to use to eat my cereal, in this motel room.

   Picture a gang of criminals scanning an area for Pokemon before deciding to dump a body.

   I went to to gym today. Next week I'm going to get out of my car....

   Does anyone else think "Master of Fine Arts" sounds sarcastic?

   Donald Trump formally announces Mike Pence as is VP pick. No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier running mate.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie endorses Hillary Clinton.

   Darwin would praise Pokemon Go for weeding out the weak links.

   Hoping people are not gonna play Pokemon Go during the Summer Olympics games in Rio... looking for Zikaachu..

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   "Hit em with the Hein!!"

   Military coup in Turkey. Terrorism in France. Massacre in Dallas. "Day Of Rage" across the US. Ghostbusters remake in theaters. I want to move....to a different planet.