Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never imagined living in a world where being all thumbs meant you could out text all your friends.

   Philadelphia named angriest city. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that the Eagles play there

   I fell into a gorilla enclosure once and nobody even noticed

   Hackers breaking in to old MySpace accounts seems about as pointless as breaking in to an old Blockbuster store.

   Every night we go to Bed,without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the Alarm to wake up..That's called HOPE.

   Get over yourself lady, I was smiling at your cat.

   You are what you eat - so stay away from the jerk chicken.

   Gorilla Lives Matter

   Does anyone else get road rage walking behind slow people? Yeah, me neither.

   It takes about 3.4 seconds for me to go from "this is the best day ever" to "I want to stab every human being on planet Earth."

   Last night, I binge watched "The Joy Of Painting" with Bob Ross on the first night Netflix streamed the show.

   There should be a margarita truck that drives around playing mariachi music in the evenings and we can run out with our money like an ice crean truck, but you know with margaritas....

   Dude on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

   BREAKING NEWS: Server 404 has been found!!!

   Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here at Starbucks.

   I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

   If they replaced the company breathalyzer with a brainalyzer, I'd be the person working alone and everyone else sitting in HR.

   It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.

   Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.

   If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.