Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's Lesson: Do not hula hoop without a bra on. That is all.

   Mike Pence's home State Republicans are delighted he's running for Vice President rather then re-election as Govenor because they're worried HE WOULD LOSE!

   It's a good day to be an avid indoorsman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge and slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

   there anything other than Pokemon happening out there in the world? .... Nah

   Well ... Judging by this Chalk Line around me ... I must have slept really good last night!

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP red necks.

   We live in a world where trained cops can panic and act on impulse but untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.

   This Pokémon stuff is getting way too serious. My doctor was giving me a colonoscopy yesterday and found a Pikachu.

   If you run into a wall or walk off a cliff while chasing a Pikachu, I'm going to Laughatchu.

   If you watch "My Cousin Vinny" 12 times in a calendar year, you receive a law degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Haven't tried heroin yet, but I imagine the rush is like remembering I have pie in the fridge.

   Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."

   Any of you folks finding that a litter box is just more convenient than a toilet?

   Don't want to jump to conclusions but you look like you have a porch couch.

   Often wonder if ax murderers hide in the woods or live in regular houses. Anyway, have fun camping this weekend.

   Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out.

   Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

   Question: Is sexual healing covered by Obamacare?

   The Rick Springfield Paradox: If you get Jessie's Girl, she is no longer Jessie's Girl, and you have obtained nothing.