Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can barely commit to peeling an entire orange, how am I supposed to commit to my future?

   I am not okay with the word 'lotion' since seeing Silence of the Lambs.

   When I have a family-sized bag of chips I think to myself, 'these chips are the only family I need.' Then I proceed to eat the whole bag.

   Biker gangs are silly to me. What do they do when they get to their destination? Do they all have lunch together? Do they have a destination?

   Oh THAT'S how you put on a seatbelt, thanks Southwest Airlines!!!

   Bread with peanut butter for breakfast, because who has time for toast.

   Goals Every College Student Should Accomplish This Summer: 1) Ween myself off coffee. 2) Exercise other than walking to classes. 3) Get onto a sleep cycle similar to that of a human. 4) PARTY!!!!

   Took my dog to sign up for welfare, the clerk said sorry shes not able to....I said why she's got no job, no money, 7 kids and dont know who their dad is.

   Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?

   If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your wicked lifestyle.

   Advice to men: If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn. It's best to throw it away now. Trust me on this one.

   Just stirred my coffee with a fork. So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.

   When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body get weak and hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm unfit.

   At the hospital today, I parked in the C section of their parking lot..... so naturally I had to climb out of the sunroof.

   I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!

   If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either

   Probably the worst thing to hear when wearing that new bikini is, "Good for you".

   I'm sorry for what I called you when you tried to wake me up...

   If you carry a gas can in your trunk, you should rethink your life plan...