Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: Apparently, 20 minutes is "too soon" to tell the new employee that the company is a godawful living hell of misery and despair.

   I'd like to congratulate Hillary Clinton on clinching the Democratic nomination. Does anyone have her personal email address?

   Ever get the feeling that stuffed animals are only silent because they're judging you?

   I had assumed Netflix's The Do-Over was about Adam Sandler traveling back in time to fix his career. I was wrong.

   I need to stop lying to my therapist. I also just need to stop lying. I don't have a therapist.

   Mind of a 21 year old man, body of a 45 year old lesbian...

   Why does Victoria Beckham call them boobs and not a Spice Rack?

   In heaven, if you get angel hair for dinner the manager comps your meal and apologizes repeatedly.

   All of those movies that had a black President in charge of America at the end of the world were wrong. Turns out it will be an orange one.

   A lady would text you at 8:10 and expect you to text back at 8:09

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   Here's another way to pi$$ off a liberal.. tell them to obey the immigration laws. . .

   Oh you're voting for Hillarious Clinton the crook. I am not saying you're stupid, but voting for her only proves you are. . .

   A gay Christian is not an oxymoron, a hateful Christian most certainly is....

   Heard somebody in the US gets stabbed every 52 seconds .... Poor Schmuck

   Hey, If I was an African American defendant and found out that the Judge in charge of my docket was associated with the Klan .... I too would definitely question his ability to judge my case.

   ... I think it's sad that my retirement plan consists of buying a lottery ticked every week. But when I DO win ... I am totally retiring!

   Request to Disneyland to have a 101 Dalmatians attraction where you literally just sit in a room surrounded by 101 Dalmation puppies.

   Dogs Barking at Night Translated -- Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog! Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog! Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren't going to believe this...

   Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.