Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1218 of 6383
My Mom always told me to carry a scissors point upward so if I fall I wouldn't ruin her carpet.
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06-10-2016 01:23
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Ivanka Trump is writing a new book called "Women Who Work: Rewriting The Rules Of Success." Rule number 1 is having a wealthy, powerful father.
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06-10-2016 01:21
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When I drink too much Red Bull, I feel like I can do algebra.
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06-10-2016 01:19
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"I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.
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06-10-2016 01:17
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Dating sites remind us how many freaks are living among us.
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06-10-2016 01:15
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Pro Tip: 84% of my adult life is singing the chorus from Boyz 2 Men's "I'll Make Love To You" at the most inappropriate time.
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06-10-2016 01:15
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I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more because I need to meet my FitBit daily goals.
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06-10-2016 01:11
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The Democratic Party presidential race is not yet over, there are still more primaries: Washington, D.C. on June 14th. Gotham City on June 18th. Atlantis on June 22nd. Sim City on June 26th. Mordor on July 1st.
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06-10-2016 01:06
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2016 and we've yet to see the 3 breasted woman from Total Recall.
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06-10-2016 01:00
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Whenever my wife falls asleep in public I start slapping her and yelling "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!!" Then people cheer and applaud when she wakes up.
There are two kinds of people. People who will help me hide a body and people who ARE the body.
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06-09-2016 19:45
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I don't understand my co-workers. I am in IT, they are all Indian, and I LITERALLY cannot understand them.
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06-09-2016 19:35
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.... When I die I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep ..... Not screaming like the passengers in the bus he was driving.
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06-09-2016 19:01
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.... The new Battle Cry of today's American Politicians ..... "Damn the Constitution, ..... Full Speed Ahead!"
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06-09-2016 13:29
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.... Something isn't wrong because it's Illegal ....... It's Illegal because it's Wrong!
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06-09-2016 12:44
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Seriously, though... who in the blue hell is voting for Hillary?
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06-09-2016 12:26
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"Canadians are so polite" - people who have obviously never driven in Canada.
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06-09-2016 12:06
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.... Just got rid of 200lbs of ugly fat ..... Got divorced.
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06-09-2016 11:25
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.... Bacon ..... Proof God meant for us to eat meat!
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06-09-2016 11:23
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A Rabbi asked me why we Catholics believe in Purgatory when there's no actual mention of it in the Bible. I told him it's the food. They serve both Angel Hair Pasta AND Devil's Food Chocolate Cake.
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06-09-2016 11:19 by Mickey
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