Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I work with a guy that wants to vote for Hillary (just so he can say he lived long enough to see a woman President. Wonder how many of you are out there with the same thoughts?

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   Happy 70th, Donald. Don't forget to take a little time out to think about yourself today. Oh and make sure you get some cake before Chris Christie gets there!

   You're telling me that not one person in that entire club thought to hide in the closet?

   4 new elements have been added to the periodic table. Adding to the list of things you won't retain from high school.

   Pro Tip: SPF 50 repels anyone over the age of 50.

   Get in car, drive to library, park car, enter library, consult encyclopedia, get back in car, drive home. --How we Googled in the 1980's

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Your body expands in the Summer which is why it's important to use weight in the Winter.

   Now that Microsoft had bought LinkedIn, you have even more reason to pretend you know Excel.

   We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...

   How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."

   You had me at hello. Then you said "sorry wrong apartment". Come back. You know where I live.

   When my girlfriend and I broke up, she got the bed and I got the coffee machine. So now I don't have a bed and I'm more aware of it now.

   Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.

   Fact: Kids learn so much in school they need the summer to have it all sink in so they don't forget any of it.

   I am sickened by people that put ketchup on mac and cheese.