Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the DNC?

   The NFL has cleared Peyton Manning of doing steroids so he won't have to sit out the first 4 games of his retirement.

   Monica Lewinsky was asked if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever. She said, "Close but no cigar".

   People who swear a lot tend to be more honest, upfront, and loyal with their friends, partners and family. I find this fact offensive.

   That one way trip to Mars isn't looking so bad these days....

   Remember when we willingly bought mustard color clothes?

   Larry David is somewhere sheading a tear that he won't be playing Bernie Sanders for the next 4 years on SNL.

   May I have your attention please. May I have your attention. Will all Bernie supporters form a SINGLE FILE line and follow Chet Lemming to the safe place room. Please move QUIETLY

   Kevin Durant will still hear chants of MVP every night, they just won't be for him...

   Michael Brown's Mother is set to speak at the DNC tonight. Now I wasn't going to watch anymore of this crap, but I don't think that I'll be able to look away from this inevitable train wreck.

   TV psychic Ms Cleo had died from cancer, probably never saw it coming.

   Meditation helps me block out distractions and focus on what's important. I recommend it for anyone who wants to step up their napping game.

   When I was your age my Dad got you lost, not Siri.

   When any woman says, "That garbage can is full" she isn't challenging me to fit more in. She means empty the garbage.

   Think fate is telling me to sell my Yahoo! stock.

   Here’s the complete A to Z guide to understanding the enhancements to every new iPhone: It has a better camera.

   Haven't had ice cream or alcohol in two weeks. I'm not sure which is more impressive but I did used to make alcoholic milkshakes.

   "I can see Wikileaks from my house." -Sarah Palin

   More tragic news out of the music industry. Dr Dre, while being detained by police, was being respectful without a weapon and was not shot and killed.

   DNC motto " The tacos and africans are just dumb enough to vote for us"