Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I show up to one Swingers Party doing a fantastic Vince Vaughn impersonation and nobody wants to invite me back.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Baskin Robbins spends $100 million a year to make you believe there are only 31 flavors.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I eat pizza I look like a rabid dog that's snorted 4 lines of coke.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you know Sharknado 4 is the most scientifically accurate movie ever made.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids these days call it "Pokemon Go" I used to call it "dropping a little too much acid and chasing the neighborhood cat around".
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I will throw an old lady in front of me to avoid being seen by someone I know at the grocery store.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If my boss interrupts my nap one more time I'm going to HR.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Working in an office at a desk is very bad for your heart. To combat this, walk outside and take a smoking break as much as possible.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 19:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary Clinton. A modern-day Hood Robin. Robs from the poor to give to herself
←Rate | 08-01-2016 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The more people mention Trump, even in a joke, the more publicity he gets. Thanks for fueling the Trump Machine.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 13:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My autocorrect just changed "hiatus" to "hi anus" on this email subject line to my boss, so I guess I don't work here anymore.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 12:00 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I talk to myself,,, it's probably medically classified as Tourette's.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 11:54 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon It used to be only captured criminals covered their faces with their jackets... Now it's people telling pollsters how they're going to vote.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 11:52 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember,,, When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another.... Because kids.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 11:49 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.
←Rate | 08-01-2016 11:48 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm beginning to think that this election scenario has turned into our own version of the "Kobayashi Maru"
←Rate | 08-01-2016 11:26 by snotty Comments (0)  




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