Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you want to recruit people to do whatever you tell them, get the ones eating fast food seafood.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Status: Took vitamins in place of working out today.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donating blood again today. To my face. From my nose.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Putting broccoli between two slices of bread isn't a sandwich. It's an act of violence.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the IRS gave you the option to fight a bear to absolve your taxes I would at least take a week to think about it.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Living in New York City is having constant road rage even though you don't own a car.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just flew in, and boy are my arms tired from punching the reclined seat in front of me.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm living off PB&J's so I think I accomplished the whole "be forever young" thing.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you want to save money on a personal trainer, meet a girl who will break your heart.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 90's road comics can now breathe a sigh of relief that their Clinton jokes are relevant again.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After Trump Implodes: Twitter will become so boring, all we'll have is Kardashian/Swift feuds.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine the amount of money that could be raised if George Zimmerman volunteered to be the guy sitting on the dunk tank.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't Tell The Kids #3: But the dog isn't currently living on a farm.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Light a man a fire he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire he's warm for the rest of his life.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Either guys really do get a period once a month or they are making commercials way more heart wrenching. Why are my thighs so fat?
←Rate | 08-06-2016 14:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Since Rio de Janeiro is south of the equator, aren't we technically watching the Winter Olympics?
←Rate | 08-06-2016 13:39 by spk Comments (0)  


   messageicon [inventor of the piano] Tables are too quiet.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 11:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.
←Rate | 08-06-2016 10:09 by Fazzella Comments (0)  




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