Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.

   Driver's Ed doesn't prepare you for the heartache of never finding out if the fry you dropped between the seats was the best one in the box.

   Pretty sure the guy who drives the train at the children's park spends much of his day wondering what went wrong.

   At this very moment, somewhere in America, a black Prius is slowing someone down in the fast lane.

   Miss the 1980's, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before Mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

   August is National Catfish Month. Some of you should celebrate.

   Getting hyped for the weekend is soooo mainstream.

   I have nothing in common with people who wash, dry, fold and put their laundry away the same day.

   Always buy those nonprofit charity run tshirts from Goodwill so people will think I care about stuff.

   Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.

   I don't appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I'm imperfect.

   How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?!

   If someone lets me out in front of them in traffic, as I merge in, I give them the finger just to see the look of pure confusion on their face.

   Porn is more American than apple pie! Mostly because apple pie is Dutch.

   Might not be a master of romance. But I do know ladies enjoy it when I sing Obsession by Animotion while I'm hiding in their closet.

   Autocorrect changing "restaurant" to "restraint" can really ruin the asking a girl on a date experience.

   Just cause your sister or brother says you're a poopie head doesn't mean you're a poopie head.

   You've officially reached middle age when purchasing new cleaning products gives you goosebumps.

   Sweaty in the streets and still sweaty in the sheets.

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher