Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm glad Facebook will never tell you, "Not tonight I have a headache!"

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Facebook should allow you to automatically de-friend your ex from all of your friends.

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.

   It's a lot easier to get over someone when you realize that you shouldn't have been underneath them in the first place.

   You can't make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice.

   Fun Fact: There's more time spent installing Adobe updates than the actual use of Adobe.

   If somebody's presence does not add value to your life... then their absence should make no difference!

   May your friends respect you, your troubles neglect you, your family protect you, and negativity not affect you.

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

   Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

   I like the night sky more than anything else in this world, its the only place where chaos is so peaceful.

   Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you.