GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was the power bill, the gas bill, the water bill, the phone bill, rent, insurance, car payment, not to mention grocery prices.

   First rule of family gatherings: Always bring your own vehicle so you can leave whenever you want.

   Just a reminder: Walmart will be closed on Christmas Day so both cashiers can be with their families.

   Christmas and Thanksgiving should be at least 6 months apart. It's insane to see these people again so soon. Absurd.

   I'm tired of winter! I want to fast-forward to complaining about how hot it is!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work and the other half aren't so bright.

   The world is getting too sensitive. Soon I won't be able to make fun of myself without people getting offended.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   My car clock is finally right again. My patience really paid off.

   Pro tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write "sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

   You know they once made a movie about constipation, but it never came out.

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they don't get the house anyway.

   If you really can't stand someone, lend them $100 dollars. Chances are, you'll never see them again.

   I just killed a huge mouse. Ripped it to bits. The staff at Disneyland is furious.