Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

   Nothing says America needs a third viable political party like having Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton as presidential candidates for the Republican and Democratic Parties respectively.

   Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.

   FYI: I'm only interested in women ages 19 to 102. If your not in this age range please dont message me!!! Thnx

   Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.

   A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   The Law & Order dun dun is what men hear when we're asked if we remember what today is.

   Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?

   "Scots love me and I love those haggis smelling weirdos who wear those little girlie skirts!" -Trump, eventually, during his Scotland trip.

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.

   Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.

   Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)

   .... After watching the so called "Sit-In" on the House Floor at the Capitol ... I now realize why they need to have those "Warning: Do not Enter" and "Please don't throw children at the animals" ... signs at the Dangerous Animal exhibits at the zoo.