Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Out of all my hobbies, killing brain cells is probably my favorite one.

   Pretending to be nice is exhausting....

   I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

   Going to see Suicide Squad. Hope nobody else is dressed like Harley Quinn because I will feel really stupid.

   The wrist Kris Jenner broke in a car crash hopefully isn't the one she uses for gold digging.

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   Eminem is trending which is a relief because a whole generation of kids now know Eminem is still alive.

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   It's not me !! It's you. Why would you not have WIFI? Modern day relationships.

   It's hotter than a cup of McDonald's coffee in an old lady's crotch today.

   Women that wear blue eyeshadow have a Motel 6 shower cap in their purse.

   Did you know that women named Laverne can give you a blow job with or without teeth.

   It's not you, it's you not having air conditioning.....

   Bet those two guys that hang out at Sonic have breath that smells like pickles, onions, and genitals.

   Spoiler Alert!!! If you're reading this, you're a huge part of the problem.

   Just found a scary-looking Pokemon on my living room sofa, but then I realized it was my mother-in-law.

   Remember kids, with that Bachelors Degree you can run the fry machine, but with a Masters you can start as Assistant Manager.

   Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?

   If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.

   The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.