Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you begin your argument with "My whole thing is," I will hand you a pudding pop and never speak to you again.

   How often do I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?

   True fear is getting in your car at night and seeing a spider and hitting the windshield wipers and realizing the spider is in the car.

   Not saying I'm lazy but my computer was running slow today so I closed all the open tabs and found one that was still logged into an AOL chat room.

   Bearded Dragons are just hipster reptiles.

   Man of Steel 2 is in development. So he didn't die? How about a SPOILER ALERT!!!

   Just saw a dolphin that had a tattoo of a white girl on its rear fin.

   "We don't like any of this! Wait, we LOVE this thing here!" -The Internet

   Trump is qualified because he runs successful businesses? Kim Kardashian is a reality star that runs successful businesses also.

   .... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?

   ... In the former USSR they called it Propaganda. In the United States .... They call it news.

   ... So Hillary invites the father of the Orlando Gay Nightclub murderer to sit behind her at her rally! Heck ... least she could have done is asked him to wear shades to hide his identity. Hmm REALLY BEGINNING TO QUESTION HER Ability to represent America

   ... Ask Yourself ... If the "Clinton Foundation" is such a Philanthropic entity ... Why didn't a single person mention it during the Democrat Convention? .... NOT EVEN HILLARY HERSELF!!!

   Now I know why NASCAR fans don't watch the Olympics....Watching swimming is 10X slower than running and 1000X slower than automobile racing.

   There is an American Olympic diver named "Steele Johnson". He could have a great job in adult films with that name...

   Bernie Sanders just used your $27 donations to buy himself a new summer home

   My money tree is also dying. No wonder I'm broke.

   Oh you dont like your job, there's a support group for that, it's called Everyone...and they meet at the bar

   Water polo? How do they prevent the horses from drowning?

   I remember years ago my wife would undress and her torso would look like the hottest thing ever. Nowadays when she undresses, her torso looks like Homer Simpson.