Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.

   Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.

   Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.

   Trying to choose who to Vote for President is like trying to choose whether to eat a Dog Turd or a Cat Turd.

   ... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.

   Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.

   You can tell how rich someone is from their reaction when you tell them you had cheese toast for dinner.

   Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.

   Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.

   MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.

   Regardless of what you believe I think we can all agree that God is real and you're a Christian.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.

   A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.

   They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   As an adult male, I should have taken women's multivitamins as a boy to mature faster.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   Gum without the commitment: Mentos.

   People think I'm a good guy but I used to have a Jar Jar Binks poster.

   Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.