Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cargo pants for babies?!?! You know, it's a place to put all the important stuff that babies carry with them.

   Oprah: You've returned after 2000 years. What's your message for humanity? Jesus: I just want everyone to know I never wore those sandals.

   So bored at work I can't even think of something to goggle

   I'll do anything for my fans here except produce quality work.

   Anytime someone scrolls all the way to your first Facebook photo, you should get a notification. Or it should go straight to the police.

   Facebook didn't tell me it's your birthday is an awesome 21st century excuse.

   By the time I get all these condoms unwrapped I had absolutely no interest in making balloon animals.

   More Americans trust Fox News than the President on climate change according to a recent survey done by Fox News.

   Fan theory suggest Finding Dory takes place in the same universe as Finding Nemo.

   Googling to find out what you just voted for....should be the last resort.

   Brexit has inspired my wife to demand a sexit.

   Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?

   Scotland's in the middle of a couple's breakup and trying to figure out who they're still supposed to be friends with.

   Bad News: Britain votes to leave Europe. Worst News: Mississippi says they're staying in America.

   Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal pound for pound.

   You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.

   Donald Trump "has accepted a relationship with Christ". No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier messiah.

   Teen Slang Update: "Bye, Felicia" has been abbreviated to "Peace, Feleesh".

   The United Kingdom just asked Donald Trump's father for a small loan.

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.