Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 19:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't Tell The Kids #2: But I spent their inheritance on gummy bears and Swedish fish.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 19:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to choose who to Vote for President is like trying to choose whether to eat a Dog Turd or a Cat Turd.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 19:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon ... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 18:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cracker Barrel commercials brag about their mac and cheese because everything else sucks.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 17:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can tell how rich someone is from their reaction when you tell them you had cheese toast for dinner.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey automatic flushing toilets, I decide when I'm finished.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Regardless of what you believe I think we can all agree that God is real and you're a Christian.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:51 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As an adult male, I should have taken women's multivitamins as a boy to mature faster.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Gum without the commitment: Mentos.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People think I'm a good guy but I used to have a Jar Jar Binks poster.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies you know what tonight is...Olympics and Chill?
←Rate | 08-05-2016 15:38 Comments (0)  




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