Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may not be able to swim fast but I did just arrange these onion rings to look like olympic rings.

   One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

   No offense but I wanna set you on fire.

   if Trump can't keep people from climbing his tower, how is he going to keep them from climbing his wall?

   I don't care, therefore I am happy.

   Trump supporters criticizing Malia Obama for smoking pot like all of Trump's sons haven't done coke off a hooker's breasts in the last week.

   41% of Trump voters say Hillary is the devil. While the other 59% say she's just a demon in a pantsuit.

   When my printer jams, I do what any logical male would do; I go buy a new printer.

   Facebook has taught me people don't get most jokes unless you put them over a picture and call it a meme.

   Can I ask for prayers please? I'm about to write a check.

   This presidential election is class warfare -- that is, a war between those who paid attention in class and those who did not.

   According to Facebook, Jaden Smith has committed suicide 11 times in the last week.

   shhh, please, shhh

   Todays Olympic sport - Ping Pong. Up next - Wii Bowling

   I can't believe Carrot Tops career is so bad he has to climb Trump Tower with a bag full of props.....

   .... I remember in May of 2008 when a lady named Hillary Clinton suggested the assassination of Barack Obama but her balls weren't electrocuted by the CIA .... So why should Trumps?

   Make America great again lets climb the trump tower.....

   .. Turns out it's true that Malia Obama was smoking a joint .... But so what? .... What's the big deal ... Her father does it too.

   me: "I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANOTHER FACEBOOK POST ABOUT THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!!"......... election: WATCH THIS

   .... Hey .... On a positive note .... We DID go 224 years without having a president this terrible!