Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90's road comics can now breathe a sigh of relief that their Clinton jokes are relevant again.

   Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

   After Trump Implodes: Twitter will become so boring, all we'll have is Kardashian/Swift feuds.

   Imagine the amount of money that could be raised if George Zimmerman volunteered to be the guy sitting on the dunk tank.

   Don't Tell The Kids #3: But the dog isn't currently living on a farm.

   Light a man a fire he's warm for a day. Light a man on fire he's warm for the rest of his life.

   Either guys really do get a period once a month or they are making commercials way more heart wrenching. Why are my thighs so fat?

   Since Rio de Janeiro is south of the equator, aren't we technically watching the Winter Olympics?

   [inventor of the piano] Tables are too quiet.

   After watching the Olympics Opening Ceremonies last night, I'm going to say it'll be pretty safe there for the next two weeks. Even terrorists and Zika carrying mosquitoes are feeling sorry for Brazil.

   .... My Nuclear option to try to calm things down in the heat of passion .... is to think of Hillary ...... But only when absolutely necessary ... Cuz I don't want to become permanently sterile.

   ..... The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze .....

   Hey everybody, Dont forget before its too late, its a good time to hide some leftover fireworks under some ashes in your friends fireplace

   Opening Ceremony was great. During the plethora of commercials, I've cleaned the house, had a bath, and learned to play the accordion.

   I don't get what the big deal is: the entire Republican platform is plagiarized from my uncle's drunken Thanksgiving rants.

   "Do not touch!" must be one of the scariest things to read in brail.

   For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."

   Melania Trump denies breaking immigration laws, claims she was born in Chicago and graduated from Princeton.

   Wonder what you do for the other two hours at a Kings of Leon concert after they play 'Sex on Fire'....

   From what I can tell, there’s nothing in the city ordinances that prevents me from installing a fence that spells out BITE ME at my neighbor.