Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wookies to the left of me, Ewoks to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle of Endor with you...

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   Miss those 90's thrillers when the bomb clock was still analog and only had three wires.

   Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

   Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.

   Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.

   My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.

   Did you know people writing 1700's on all their checks was a problem most Americans faced in 1800.

   Do soccer players actually pay for those hair cuts or do they just find the first drunk guy with a weed eater and insult his mother?

   Life from the 1800's, my whole family died of diarrhea last night.

   Find an angry person at the bookstore. You can't.

   Finally took my first selfie, and I think I heard Siri throw up a little in her mouth.

   If the White House really wants to close Guantanamo Bay, why not just appoint Donald Trump its new CEO?

   Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?

   I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   It's like Canada is the concerned child watching her aging mother (Britain) and weirdo big brother (United States) descend into chaos in 2016, unsure who to worry over first.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is too short. But shout it to them in Russian, because life is also extremely terrifying and very confusing.

   Got caught pissing in the swimming pool today at the YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in!

   Absolutely despicable thats gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.