Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The porn parody of Suicide Squad had better character development than the actual movie.

   My rags to riches story is going from Top Ramen to $12 Ramen with an egg in it.

   At least my parents don't show their disappointment in me as much as my cat does.

   If you think it's impressive that the US got a gold medal in the air rifle event, just wait and see how they do in the mass shooting category!

   Just got kicked out of Starbucks for not carrying a Macbook.

   In school they always called me a bookworm because I ate books.

   The secret to a happy marriage is to completely master the "I'm listening" head nod while your wife is speaking....

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.

   People always talked about how fast technology advances. Has anyone ever thought, with this election coming up and all that is going on. We should be advanced enough to flea the planet?

   Truly having the 'heart of a child' will lead you to a toothless life of homelessness.

   If you want to recruit people to do whatever you tell them, get the ones eating fast food seafood.

   Status: Took vitamins in place of working out today.

   Donating blood again today. To my face. From my nose.

   Putting broccoli between two slices of bread isn't a sandwich. It's an act of violence.

   The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.

   If the IRS gave you the option to fight a bear to absolve your taxes I would at least take a week to think about it.

   Living in New York City is having constant road rage even though you don't own a car.

   Just flew in, and boy are my arms tired from punching the reclined seat in front of me.

   I'm living off PB&J's so I think I accomplished the whole "be forever young" thing.

   If you want to save money on a personal trainer, meet a girl who will break your heart.