Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An asteroid and volcanic eruptions wiped out the dinosaurs. Technology and the misuse of it will wipeout mankind.

   I earned my certification as a freelance gynecologist...now I need a slogan. "No matter the stench...I'll examine the trench" Thoughts?

   Behind every man is a beautiful woman, shaking her head.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

   Now is the time when we need the calm and reassuring wisdom of people who studied abroad in the UK for a semester this summer.

   Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

   My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.

   Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares?!?!

   Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.

   A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment: 3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon, 57 minutes of crying after it pops.

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.

   TSA moving operations to outside of airport. That must explain the full cavity search I received in my airport hotel room.

   Nancy Grace decided to leave CNN to spend more time annoying the crap out of her family.

   Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?

   I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.

   Nancy Grace is leaving CNN to spend more time exploiting abused minors in the private sector.