Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.

   If you try something new and you aren't immediately awesome at it, say it's stupid and never try it again.

   Watching swimming isn't really that exciting and you know it.

   Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.

   My message in a bottle would simply say 'please fill with vodka' and include a return address.

   Video killed the radio star, and anime killed the Pornhub star, because circle of life.

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.

   In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.

   Had a nice long talk with my niece about drugs....which ones are the best, who in town sells it, stuff like that.

   Rio 2016 Olympic officials change the name of "Zika" to "Zikachu" and now everyone wants to catch it.

   Donald Trump's Economic Team: 1) His accountant. 2) Random billionaire. 3) Omarosa. 4) Wesley Snipes. 5) Bernie Madoff.

   The best part about the Olympics is pretending I know what half these sports are.

   The Rio 2016 Olympics maintain the Greek tradition of spending way too much money and only working a week every four years.

   Show me on the doll where Mommy got botox.

   Hell won't take me because I stopped paying my membership dues in 1998.

   Evan McMullin, Gary Johnson and Jill Stein walk into a bar. No one recognizes them or offers to buy drinks.

   In 1900 the Olympics was opened to women after someone pointed out what they'd be wearing when playing beach vollyball.

   The French gymnast who broke his leg during the Olympics is in good hands, Rio's hospitals have the best leeches and voodoo spells.

   A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.