Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Trump and I do agree on one thing. We'd both like to b@ng his daughter.
←Rate | 08-10-2016 10:47 by Clem Diddlyiscious Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some call it 'Hump Day.' I call it 'False Advertising.'
←Rate | 08-10-2016 06:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon After I pet someone's dog, I look the person in the eyes and gravely tell them "He knows what you did."
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would someone go to the kitchen and bring me some Doritos? I'm busy yelling at world class Olympic athletes to swim faster.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Tim Tebow plays in the MLB, I hope it's for Anaheim. So after an 0-4 day, the headline will say: "Even Jesus Can't Save The Angels."
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever opened a crystal meth kiosk at a mall, it would be called “You Do the Meth!”
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you begin your argument with "My whole thing is," I will hand you a pudding pop and never speak to you again.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How often do I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?
←Rate | 08-09-2016 23:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon True fear is getting in your car at night and seeing a spider and hitting the windshield wipers and realizing the spider is in the car.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not saying I'm lazy but my computer was running slow today so I closed all the open tabs and found one that was still logged into an AOL chat room.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bearded Dragons are just hipster reptiles.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Man of Steel 2 is in development. So he didn't die? How about a SPOILER ALERT!!!
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just saw a dolphin that had a tattoo of a white girl on its rear fin.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "We don't like any of this! Wait, we LOVE this thing here!" -The Internet
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump is qualified because he runs successful businesses? Kim Kardashian is a reality star that runs successful businesses also.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon .... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?
←Rate | 08-09-2016 22:06 Comments (0)  




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