Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .. Turns out it's true that Malia Obama was smoking a joint .... But so what? .... What's the big deal ... Her father does it too.

   me: "I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANOTHER FACEBOOK POST ABOUT THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!!"......... election: WATCH THIS

   .... Hey .... On a positive note .... We DID go 224 years without having a president this terrible!

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.

   Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood

   Religion will never reform or save mankind because Religion is a form of slavery.

   Trump and I do agree on one thing. We'd both like to b@ng his daughter.

   Some call it 'Hump Day.' I call it 'False Advertising.'

   Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.

   After I pet someone's dog, I look the person in the eyes and gravely tell them "He knows what you did."

   Would someone go to the kitchen and bring me some Doritos? I'm busy yelling at world class Olympic athletes to swim faster.

   Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.

   If Tim Tebow plays in the MLB, I hope it's for Anaheim. So after an 0-4 day, the headline will say: "Even Jesus Can't Save The Angels."

   I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.

   My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.

   If I ever opened a crystal meth kiosk at a mall, it would be called “You Do the Meth!”

   If you begin your argument with "My whole thing is," I will hand you a pudding pop and never speak to you again.

   How often do I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?

   True fear is getting in your car at night and seeing a spider and hitting the windshield wipers and realizing the spider is in the car.

   Not saying I'm lazy but my computer was running slow today so I closed all the open tabs and found one that was still logged into an AOL chat room.