Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Monopoly piece you choose will tell me all I need to know.

   If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it.

   Science Fun Fact: Everyone at the Scopes monkey trial had very minty breath.

   Bet the dinosaurs ate chicken nuggets shaped like humans.

   Guy in the restroom called me "pretty" and the best comeback I could think of was "yeah you too."

   Not now, weird Joan Armitrading song on my iPod.

   Love to collect call people randomly, just to remind them that that is somehow still a thing.

   Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.

   I'm surprised the man in the yellow hat still allows that monkey to ever leave the house.

   When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills

   They should make daytime TV illegal. That way the lazy lib club will have nothing to do and may decide to actually get a job.

   My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.

   "Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday." -Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

   The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.

   Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"....

   Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.

   If I had a gold medal, I'd tell people I won it in the Mugging Gold Medalists event.

   Teens spend 72% of their time on their phones and 28% of their time on other people's phones.

   A leaf blower is specifically designed to make your problem someone else’s.

   My salary does not come close to matching the level of busyness I fake at work.