Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watched a few hours of British TV and now I can't stop calling my shoes trainers.

   School gets out at 2:15 pm so if you don't get in the pickup line by 1:00 you don't love your kid.

   1001 crockpot recipes that all taste like beige mush.

   My cable just went out while watching the Olympics but Comcast told me they would be out to fix it between 8 AM tomorrow and the 2020 games.

   I feel like everyone at this farmers market not eating a McGriddle thinks they are better than me.

   Feels weird pouring this local single sourced organic raw honey on a biscuit from KFC.

   If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff.

   Diary, 1991: wrote that I hoped to meet a guy who'd say "everything I do, I do it for you," then put "besides Jesus" so he wouldn't get mad.

   Very worried that the Olympics might get rid of fencing back when they got rid of landscaping and freestyle carpentry.

   Other Moms packing healthy school lunches while I'm redistributing the contents of a nacho Lunchable into a $30 bento box.

   Not that anyone asked outright, but yes, my tambourine lessons are coming along nicely.

   Wake up America. If a place tries to put potatoes in your burrito, you are getting robbed on meat.

   Haven't been to war, but I've been to a water park where "fun" is climbing rope ladders barefoot while buckets of water are dumped on you.

   Just said some pretty harsh things about this gymnast falling off the uneven bars considering I've fallen out of my bed before.

   When women watch Bachelor in Paradise it's like the television equivalent of microwaving fish.

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   Settle down homemade play dough parents.

   I may not be able to swim fast but I did just arrange these onion rings to look like olympic rings.

   One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

   No offense but I wanna set you on fire.