Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason to have pepper spray as defense against a bear is so you can spray it on yourself so the bear enjoys its meal....

   Heading out for a weekend camping trip. Anybody know the WiFi password for "the woods"?

   Sorry I took 2 Benadryl and drank a wine cooler and got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese during your kid's birthday party.

   Sorry, but if your 8-yr-old has the audacity to tell me what color belt he has in karate, I'm obligated to fight him. This is about honor.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman who has to pause her movie to help you find the Cheetos....

   Jesus would have been a great musical act on a cruise ship because Jesus rocks on water.

   Which shoes go better with this top and also hide the fact that my kids ate cereal for dinner last night?

   McDonalds serves breakfast all day now but apparently if you want McNuggets wrapped in a pancake like a taco, you have to do it yourself.

   It's ironic how the sheer number of "customer loyalty" cards in my wallet and glovebox show I'm actually the most promiscuous customer ever.

   Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

   Honestly tho.... 63% of my day is spent inconspicuously making sure I'm not wearing any articles of clothing inside out or backwards.

   My 5 year old is trying to sell my own M&M's back to me. This guy's going places.

   One time I listened to my kid tell an entire story without looking at my phone.

   Nothing like needing a toothpick to remind you that you are past your prime.

   Family vacations are 80% just yanking your kids around and saying, "Let's get your picture by this thing."

   Nothing knocks the ego down a notch like buying beer and seeing the words "age visually verified" on the receipt.

   Just ironed a crease in these basketball shorts so I can wear them for Casual Friday.

   What bugs me most about young kids is their disrespect for pasta. Those necklaces or that artwork might've been delicious. We'll never know.

   Nothing more disappointing than pizza crust so crunchy you split your tooth....

   9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.