Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spilled syrup on my Polo this morning. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers today.

   Running late today cuz there was a rare Pokemon 17 miles south of where I needed to be.

   Ryan Lochte now claims Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.

   The only positive to attending a school recital is being able to fall asleep knowing your partner can't yell at you....

   Ironically, this is probably the first time Melania has seen him nude.

   SPORTS FACT: The Olympics takes place every four years because it lasts four years.

   Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.

   Uber has announced that their first self-driving cars will hit the streets within weeks. Nice of them to give us a running start.

   I don't blame the US Olympic swimmers. Every time I vandalize a gas station bathroom, I always use the "I was robbed by a Brazilian" excuse.

   Breaking news!!!! US Airforce seen dropping naked Trump statues onto an ISIS Stronghold In Northern Syria!!!!!

   My girlfriend asked me to make her feel special, so I bought her a coloring book and crayons .

   Its funny how no one is bringing up the fat lazy Americans...probably because we are stomping the world at the Olympics AGAIN.....

   Pro tip: No matter how many times your baby asks, don't give them Indian food...

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......

   Few things are more disconcerting than a damp hand towel.

   Gone with the Wind in 60 Seconds #2FilmsBecome1

   FYI: A swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild- save for the seldom-seen penfish,,, which is said to "talk alot of smack",, be even mightier than they are.

   If you hate Trump now, think how much you'll like him if Hillary get elected.

   I've time traveled almost an infinite number of times to stop myself from eating too much pizza, but every time,, future me just joins past me in eating it*

   I feel sorry for the robbers who were wrongfully accused by Ryan Lochte. #justiceforharambe