Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Urinating on a jelly fish sting helps the pain. Urinating on a bee sting just makes your neighbor angry.

   Started to wear a wig at the gym so everyone thinks I am strong for a girl.

   I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

   "According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   Yeti has a beer coozie that will keep a beer cold for over an hour. I don't think they understand how beer drinking works.

   Gonna miss my Obamaphone when He's gone .... But looking forward to my new Hillaryphone upgrade with the new Self Deleting Email, Welfare Check tracking & Get outta Jail Free features. She has thought of everything that us successful Millennials need!!

   Hold your horses is my favourite thing to say to people who don't even have horses.

   "your mother" is my response whenever someone talks to me in a language I dont understand.

   If I had a militia we wouldn't occupy a federal building, we would occupy a Krispy Kreme.

   Just added "CLINGY" to my dating resume.

   Some guy called my girlfriend "ma'am" so now everybody's night is ruined.

   Confession: I ate all my hurricane snacks during the first two hours of the storm and I'm probably not the guy you want on your apocalypse team....

   Say NO! to drugs. Say YES! to drugs. It really doesn't matter what you tell drugs because if you're talking to drugs, you're taking them.

   It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.

   Love to use the Ouija board to pester my dead girlfriends.

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return and just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

   I know I said you were dead to me, but that was before I needed a ride to the airport.

   If you don't vaccinate your kids they'll grow up to be Vegan CrossFitters with a gluten allergy.

   To make room for the McDonald's expansion in their stores all Walmarts are removing the 15 registers that are never open.