Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We just opened a second bottle of homemade limoncello. See you in 3-6 weeks.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today's Assignment: Under a Facebook picture posted by someone you know with a new husband/wife ask, "What happened to [name of ex-husband/ex-wife]?"
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Monopoly piece you choose will tell me all I need to know.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Science Fun Fact: Everyone at the Scopes monkey trial had very minty breath.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bet the dinosaurs ate chicken nuggets shaped like humans.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guy in the restroom called me "pretty" and the best comeback I could think of was "yeah you too."
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not now, weird Joan Armitrading song on my iPod.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Love to collect call people randomly, just to remind them that that is somehow still a thing.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm surprised the man in the yellow hat still allows that monkey to ever leave the house.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 15:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills
←Rate | 08-16-2016 12:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They should make daytime TV illegal. That way the lazy lib club will have nothing to do and may decide to actually get a job.
←Rate | 08-16-2016 11:11 by Del Monaco and the Well Dones Comments (0)  


   messageicon My relationships are much like pro wrestling matches - the outcomes are predetermined and there's a good chance I'll get hit with a chair.
←Rate | 08-15-2016 23:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday." -Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
←Rate | 08-15-2016 23:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.
←Rate | 08-15-2016 23:21 Comments (0)  




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