Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)

   When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   This alcohol diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   If my erection lasts longer than four hours, SHE's the one who's going to need to see a doctor

   I love you so much that there's almost no chance I'd use you as a human shield against a Navy SEAL'S attack.

   It feels like my entire generation can be summed up in six words from a Nirvana song: Here we are now, entertain us.

   You remind me of those kids in elementary school who would put their mouth against the faucet when drinking out of the water fountain.

   I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.

   I said "Just gimme the usual" to the waitress at a restaurant I've never been to. And now I wait...

   I will never be too old to enjoy driving by a stranger, honking, and waving just to see the confused look on their face and awkward wave back.

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   Jim Morrison was right: People ARE strange.