Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

   Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

   My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

   If I ran a swamp tour in DC there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

   ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

   When I was a kid, bedtime was 9:00. I couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to bed any time I wanted. That turned out to be about 9:00.

   Not my proudest fap, but here we are. 😏

   Just watched someone who bought a dozen eggs without even checking them first. Talk about an unhinged wealth flex. 🙄

   Not now, Sweetie. Mommy’s busy cyberbullying the mayor. 😁

   There is no cloud, it’s just someone else’s computer. 😐

   The only way I can catch errors in my messages, is to read them from my sent folder. 😏

   Every few years, you reevaluate your concept of old. 😉

   Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊

   Most of being an adult is whispering “f*ck this” while doing it anyway. 😏

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   The secret to keeping a clean house is done by clicking on the last option under settings on Facebook.

   I got a job sketching suspects at the police station. I'm a con artist!