Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've spotted six Pokémon today but I don't have the game so I may need new meds...

   Someone said that I am easily insulted, I can't believe that ***** said that !

   I hate when a woman says "You probably say that to every girl you meet" Like don't you use the same resume for all the jobs you apply for?

   Hey idiots, Donald said he's going to "cut Taxes" NOT "cut Texans"

   DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

   "This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up."

   You enter through the gates of hell, and it’s just Steven Seagal standing there asking you which one of his movies you want to watch first.

   .... Something new for America ... Hillary And Kaine’s White Minority Plan, “Whites Need To Learn Their Lesson”

   When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?

   Do you think every president goes through an awkward first few weeks of office, not sure when is the right time to ask if aliens are real?

   .... Hillary Clinton just announced that her plan to solve the American Fiscal Crisis is to put ALL of the American Debt on a private server then deleting it.

   The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.

   We just opened a second bottle of homemade limoncello. See you in 3-6 weeks.

   Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.

   Today's Assignment: Under a Facebook picture posted by someone you know with a new husband/wife ask, "What happened to [name of ex-husband/ex-wife]?"

   How long after shaking my money-maker should I expect a check?

   Immigrants can either take Trump's "purity" test, or have the fastest time in the American Ninja obstacle course.

   The Monopoly piece you choose will tell me all I need to know.

   If you ever touch anything in a public bathroom, DO NOT worry, you'll be dead by the time you realize it.

   Science Fun Fact: Everyone at the Scopes monkey trial had very minty breath.