Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drink so much hazelnut creamer that I would think coffee-mate would want to acknowledge me somehow.

   I'm not one to brag but....when I perspire, I release a gentle odor of Doritos and bacon.

   Looks like Hillary's going to steal the election by using the oldest trick in the book. By getting millions more votes than her opponent.

   It must be a great offer since the Prince of Nigeria took the time to write me personally today.

   Early to bed, Early to rise, Makes a man healthy, wealthy and without any friends with good after-hours stories.

   "From Russia with Love." -Donald Trump's New Campaign Slogan

   I can't believe Rudy Giuliani forgot about 9/11 considering it's also his credit card pin.

   Rudy Giuliani blames Obama for the Pokemon outbreak and need for Pokemon-Go, "Before Obama there were no Pokemon running around our cities."

   You can't say you've really lived if you've never ran through the pottery aisle in a Hobby Lobby jamming to the Less Than Zero soundtrack.

   Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M

   Deez Nuts: Fictional Presidential Candidate Ahead of Hillary Clinton, Poll Finds

   Wooden spoon survivor!

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   Prisoner 1: What are you in for?.... PEE WEE HERMAN: Sperm bank heist.... Prisoner1: How'd you get caught?.. PEE WEE: I DON'T KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY SAW ME COMING!

   Me: I can't believe Sarah Jessica Parker is going for Olympic gold at her age... Wife: Ummmm,,, You're watching Equestrian dressage.

   Well, One place that HASN'T recovered from the financial recession is Atlantis,,, I came back from a visit last week and sadly,, most every house I saw ,,,, Still entirely underwater

   Apple: If we're forced to build a tool to hack iPhones, someone could steal it... FBI: Nonsense... Russia: We just released NSA's hacking tools

   Jesus is going to be much harder to find with all these hipsters running around.

   Pay attention, 007,,, This might look's like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."