Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when people had to entertain themselves on the toilet with a rotary phone.

   Just heard that both the FBI and DHS have both dedicated 80% of their assets to investigate the Terror group responsible for Donald Trumps Hair!

   My dog thinks that I like walking her again. My fit bit thinks I'm setting new goals. I'm really looking for pokemon."

   I huff and puff and take your welfare away....,,

   Voting for Hillary because you don't like Trump, is like eating a dog turd because you don't like broccoli....

   Been sitting in front of the TV with my hotdogs trying to roast them and after 45 minutes they're still cold. This fire place channel sucks!.

   Just because you wear a bow tie doesn't mean you're G A Y, but it sure does keep people guessing.

   Reading the box for my microwave dinner and the instructions said "take top off...." I was thinking, 'why would I have to take my top off.'

   I've gotten so good at deciphering acronyms that I listed is as a qualification on my resume'

   I’ve been reading a book called ‘1,000 sexual positions’. I’ve reached position 176 and apparently from now on I’m going to need a woman.

   The FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times. Just an FYI to you killary supporters that think she's so great.

   Maybe you don't have swagger, maybe it's an inner ear infection.

   90% of working in an office is trying not to be an arsonist.

   Siri is turning into my mom and asking random questions like, "Do you need something? Can I help you? Are you going out wearing that?"

   House of Representatives 2016: Shooting off guns -- do nothing. Shooting off emails -- hold thorough televised investigative hearings.

   Iron Man is now a black teenage girl?!?! Here's hoping she makes suits for her friends and family to protect them from the police.

   No thanks, DailyDish. I don't want to see what the cast of Petticoat Junction looks like now. I'm guessing skeletons.

   If your name is Hollywood there is a 100% guarantee your star power is 0.

   Asks for a large coffee and this guy says, "1 Grande." Dude, this is an annexed Starbucks in the grocery store....get over yourself.

   The fact that Soundgarden and Natalie Portman never combined talents and formed a mega band called Black Hole Swan makes me feel blue.